The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists!/Transcript

• [first lines]
• Admiral: Admiral Collingwood!
• Victoria: [drinks her cup] Well, Admiral?
• Admiral: Great news, Your Majesty! [claps his hands] The French are defeated at last. Also, the Russians, the Portuguese, the Chinese, and the Welsh.
• Victoria: Then our navy rules the ocean.
• Admiral: Almost entirely, Your Majesty.
• Victoria: "Almost"?
• Admiral: Unfortunately, just here, we're still having a little trouble with... [gulps his throat] ...pirates.
• Victoria: What does it say on my royal crest, Admiral?
• Admiral: [reading] "I hate pirates," ma'am.
• Victoria: Exactly. Hate them. With their idiotic shanties! And their ridiculous hats! And their endless, blasted roaring! I want them sunk, Admiral! Scuppered, smashed, fed to the sharks. Do you hear me? I hate pirates!
• Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: [puts sword on map] It's the looting.
• Pirate with Gout: It's the cutlasses.
• Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: [to Pirate with Gout] It's the looting!
• Pirate with Gout: [to Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens] It's the cutlasses!
• [they both argue]
• Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: Looting!
• Pirate with Gout: Cutlasses!
• Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: Looting!
• [the men kick the man on the table, breaking it, then the man puts the accordion on the man, then Pirate with Gout grabs the telescope, hitting Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens, throwing Albino Pirate on the shelf, punching the man, throwing the bottle up on the ceiling, breaking it, then Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens dumps the table, then the chair hits Pirate with Gout, then the barrel hits Pirate with Gout, then the fish hits the man, then they continue attacking, then Pirate Captain appears, then they stop attacking]
• Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: Sorry, Captain.
• Pirate with Gout: We were just discussing what's the best bit about being a pirate.
• Pirate Captain: You were, were you?
• Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: I suggested it might be the looting.
• Pirate with Gout: Whereas I contend it's the shiny cutlasses.
• Albino Pirate: And I thought it was the chance to catch exotic diseases.
• [Pirate with Scarf walks in with Pirate Captain, holding his lantern]
• Pirate Captain: Well, you're, all of you, wrong. The best bit about being a pirate isn't the looting or the cutlasses. It's not the grog or the scurvy. Or the scantily clad mermaids. The best bit about being a pirate is Ham Night!
• [they all cheer]
• Albino Pirate: Ham Night!
• Pirate Captain: Ham Night! Ham!
• [the man puts plates on the table, then they put the chairs down, putting a plate down, revealing the ham, then Pirate Captain winks, then Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens taps the table, then they cut the ham, putting them on the table, flying in the face, putting the ham on the sword]
• Albino Pirate: On your nose.
• Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: Go, Captain. Go, Captain.
• [Pirate Captain continues dancing, splitting his legs]
• Pirate with Captain: Hey! Hey!
• Albino Pirate: It's like a meat ballet.
• Pirate with Gout: To Ham Night!
• Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: Ham!
• Pirate with Gout: And to the Pirate Captain!
• [they both knock their cups]
• Albino Pirate: Pirate Captain!
• [they all raise their cups, knocking their cups]
• Pirate Captain: [to Pirate with Scarf] How was that, Number Two?
• Pirate with Scarf: You've still got it, Captain.
• Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate: I'd take a jellyfish in the face for that man.
• Pirate Captain: Okay, now, shush, shush, shush. Settle down, lads. Shush. Lads, lad. It's not all about me.
• Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: Don't be honest.
• Pirate Captain: No, no, no, no, no. Behind every captain with glittering and a luxuriant beard.
• [they all cheer]
• Pirate Captain: Luxuriant! Briny rogues! [grabs a cup] Sure, some of you are as ugly as a sea cucumber.
• Pirate with Gout: Will you get away with ya?
• Pirate Captain: Some of you are closer to being a chair or coat rack than a pirate. And some of you are just fish I've dressed up in a hat. But you're still the best crew a captain could wish for.
• [they all cheer]
• Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: Don't forget Polly.
• Pirate Captain: And not forgetting, never forgetting...
• [Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens puts Polly down]
• Pirate Captain: ...Polly. The finest parrot to sail the seven seas. Come on, girl. Who's the feathery heart and the soul of our boat? Is it you? Is it you? Yes, it is. Yes, it is. It's definitely you, isn't it? Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
• [they all look at Pirate Captain]
• Pirate Captain: Right. Where was I? Ah, yes! Ah, yes. Important announcement. [puts Polly down] By order of the Pirate King himself... [takes the paper out]
• [they all gasp, then he taps the ham for a drum roll, throwing a newspaper, saying "PIRATE OF THE YEAR AWARDS"]
• Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: The Pirate of the Year Awards?
• Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate: Are you going to... Are you going to enter again?
• Pirate Captain: That I am, Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate. I know it hasn't worked out perfectly for the last...
• Pirate with Gout: 20 year.
• Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: 20 years, yeah.
• Pirate Captain: Exactly, Pirate with Gout. 20 years.
• Pirate with Gout: It might be a bit more. 21, 22...
• Pirate Captain: Yes, yes. Thank you, thank you.
• Pirate with Gout: You were very good, thought.
• Albino Pirate: Shush!
• Pirate Captain: The point is, every time I've entered, I've failed to win. So by the sheer law of maths...
• Albino Pirate: [clapping] Maths.
• Pirate Captain: ...I must have a really good chance this time. Are you with me, lads?
• Albino Pirate: Yes! This can only end brilliantly.
• Pirate Captain: Then let's go plundering!
• [they all climb out, then the music begins "Swords of a Thousand Men" by Tenpole Tudor playing, then Pirate with Gout jumps on the wood, flying the Albino Pirate in a nest, holding a telescope, then Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens pulls his anchor up, then Pirate with Scarf pulls his lever down, then Pirate Captain pulls his sword out, then they wakeboard, falling in the water, looking at the shark fins, then the title card appears, then they sail to the whale, swirling them in a whirlpool, sailing to the ship, with horns playing, then they sail down, firing cannons, then the pirates appear, then they swing down to the sail, falling down, then the angels blow the sail, going to the carriage, then they run away, then Polly takes an arrow out of Pirate Captain, then the man plays on the barrels, then they fly and cheer, hitting Neptune, sliding on the whale, knocking the tikis, then the rats dance]
• Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: Land ho!
• Pirate Captain: [looks at an island] Blood island.