The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists!/Transcript

• [first lines]
• Admiral: Admiral Collingwood!
• Victoria: [drinks her cup] Well, Admiral?
• Admiral: Great news, Your Majesty! [claps his hands] The French are defeated at last. Also, the Russians, the Portuguese, the Chinese, and the Welsh.
• Victoria: Then our navy rules the ocean.
• Admiral: Almost entirely, Your Majesty.
• Victoria: "Almost"?
• Admiral: Unfortunately, just here, we're still having a little trouble with... [gulps his throat] ...pirates.
• Victoria: What does it say on my royal crest, Admiral?
• Admiral: [reading] "I hate pirates," ma'am.
• Victoria: Exactly. Hate them. With their idiotic shanties! And their ridiculous hats! And their endless, blasted roaring! I want them sunk, Admiral! Scuppered, smashed, fed to the sharks. Do you hear me? I hate pirates!
• Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: [puts sword on map] It's the looting.
• Pirate with Gout: It's the cutlasses.
• Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: [to Pirate with Gout] It's the looting!
• Pirate with Gout: [to Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens] It's the cutlasses!
• [they both argue]
• Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: Looting!
• Pirate with Gout: Cutlasses!
• Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: Looting!
• [the men kick the man on the table, breaking it, then the man puts the accordion on the man, then Pirate with Gout grabs the telescope, hitting Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens, throwing Albino Pirate on the shelf, punching the man, throwing the bottle up on the ceiling, breaking it, then Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens dumps the table, then the chair hits Pirate with Gout, then the barrel hits Pirate with Gout, then the fish hits the man, then they continue attacking, then Pirate Captain appears, then they stop attacking]
• Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: Sorry, Captain.
• Pirate with Gout: We were just discussing what's the best bit about being a pirate.
• Pirate Captain: You were, were you?
• Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: I suggested it might be the looting.
• Pirate with Gout: Whereas I contend it's the shiny cutlasses.
• Albino Pirate: And I thought it was the chance to catch exotic diseases.
• [Pirate with Scarf walks in with Pirate Captain, holding his lantern]
• Pirate Captain: Well, you're, all of you, wrong. The best bit about being a pirate isn't the looting or the cutlasses. It's not the grog or the scurvy. Or the scantily clad mermaids. The best bit about being a pirate is Ham Night!
• [they all cheer]
• Albino Pirate: Ham Night!
• Pirate Captain: Ham Night! Ham!
• [the man puts plates on the table, then they put the chairs down, putting a plate down, revealing the ham, then Pirate Captain winks, then Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens taps the table, then they cut the ham, putting them on the table, flying in the face, putting the ham on the sword]
• Albino Pirate: On your nose.
• Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: Go, Captain. Go, Captain.
• [Pirate Captain continues dancing, splitting his legs]
• Pirate with Captain: Hey! Hey!
• Albino Pirate: It's like a meat ballet.
• Pirate with Gout: To Ham Night!
• Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: Ham!
• Pirate with Gout: And to the Pirate Captain!
• [they both knock their cups]
• Albino Pirate: Pirate Captain!
• [they all raise their cups, knocking their cups]
• Pirate Captain: [to Pirate with Scarf] How was that, Number Two?
• Pirate with Scarf: You've still got it, Captain.
• Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate: I'd take a jellyfish in the face for that man.
• Pirate Captain: Okay, now, shush, shush, shush. Settle down, lads. Shush. Lads, lad. It's not all about me.
• Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: Don't be honest.
• Pirate Captain: No, no, no, no, no. Behind every captain with glittering and a luxuriant beard.
• [they all cheer]
• Pirate Captain: Luxuriant! Briny rogues! [grabs a cup] Sure, some of you are as ugly as a sea cucumber.
• Pirate with Gout: Will you get away with ya?
• Pirate Captain: Some of you are closer to being a chair or coat rack than a pirate. And some of you are just fish I've dressed up in a hat. But you're still the best crew a captain could wish for.
• [they all cheer]
• Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: Don't forget Polly.
• Pirate Captain: And not forgetting, never forgetting...
• [Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens puts Polly down]
• Pirate Captain: ...Polly. The finest parrot to sail the seven seas. Come on, girl. Who's the feathery heart and the soul of our boat? Is it you? Is it you? Yes, it is. Yes, it is. It's definitely you, isn't it? Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
• [they all look at Pirate Captain]
• Pirate Captain: Right. Where was I? Ah, yes! Ah, yes. Important announcement. [puts Polly down] By order of the Pirate King himself... [takes the paper out]
• [they all gasp, then he taps the ham for a drum roll, throwing a newspaper, saying "PIRATE OF THE YEAR AWARDS"]
• Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: The Pirate of the Year Awards?
• Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate: Are you going to... Are you going to enter again?
• Pirate Captain: That I am, Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate. I know it hasn't worked out perfectly for the last...
• Pirate with Gout: 20 year.
• Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: 20 years, yeah.
• Pirate Captain: Exactly, Pirate with Gout. 20 years.
• Pirate with Gout: It might be a bit more. 21, 22...
• Pirate Captain: Yes, yes. Thank you, thank you.
• Pirate with Gout: You were very good, thought.
• Albino Pirate: Shush!
• Pirate Captain: The point is, every time I've entered, I've failed to win. So by the sheer law of maths...
• Albino Pirate: [clapping] Maths.
• Pirate Captain: ...I must have a really good chance this time. Are you with me, lads?
• Albino Pirate: Yes! This can only end brilliantly.
• Pirate Captain: Then let's go plundering!
• [they all climb out, then the music begins "Swords of a Thousand Men" by Tenpole Tudor playing, then Pirate with Gout jumps on the wood, flying the Albino Pirate in a nest, holding a telescope, then Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens pulls his anchor up, then Pirate with Scarf pulls his lever down, then Pirate Captain pulls his sword out, then they wakeboard, falling in the water, looking at the shark fins, then the title card appears, then they sail to the whale, swirling them in a whirlpool, sailing to the ship, with horns playing, then they sail down, firing cannons, then the pirates appear, then they swing down to the sail, falling down, then the angels blow the sail, going to the carriage, then they run away, then Polly takes an arrow out of Pirate Captain, then the man plays on the barrels, then they fly and cheer, hitting Neptune, sliding on the whale, knocking the tikis, then the rats dance]
• Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: Land ho!
• Pirate Captain: [looks at an island] Blood island. So-called because it's the exact shape of some blood.
• [the man hears a horn, pulling the lever up, then they continue sailing to Blood Island, then Pirate Captain takes the wheel, spinning around, then Pirate Captain takes the wheel, sailing backwards to the man, then the man climbs up]
• Albino Pirate: Yeah!
• [the board hits the man, then they walk down]
• Pirate Captain: Excuse me. Mind out. Captain coming through. Thank you very much. Thank you. One Pirate of the Year entry form, if you please. [takes a form] Thank you. Now, let's see. "Booty"? Oh, yes. Roaring. Check. Shanties. I shall put "rousing." [checks down] "Beard"? Luxuriant. Obviously. Do you think I should sign it in blood? Make it more dramatic?
• Pirate with Scarf: Might be a bit on the showy side.
• Pirate Captain: Bit too much. You might be right. Pirate Captain.
• Albino Pirate: You can't lose, Captain. I'd bet my face.
• Pirate Captain: Well, thank you, Albino Pirate.
• Pirate with Gout: You're a shoo-in, sir. Sure, that's not a pirate on the seven seas can match you.
• Peg-Leg Hastings: [breaks in the window, knocking everybody over] Lock up your daughters! [laughing] It's me, Peg-Leg Hastings! Back from plunderin' Spanish Main.
• Pirate Captain: Good grief.
• Peg-Leg Hastings: And I reckon this will make me Pirate of the Year. [laughing]
• Pirate with Scarf: Don't worry, sir. He's all flash and no bang.
• [Cutlass Liz shoots a cannon, breaking the wall, blowing smoke away]
• Peg-Leg Hastings: Cutlass Liz.
• Pirate with Gout: The butcher of Barbados.
• Cutlass Liz: Hello, boys.
• [the man looks at Cutlass Liz]
• Cutlass Liz: You're probably all wondering If I'm still as deadly as I am beautiful. [puts a sword in the man] Well, I am. [walks down]
• Peg-Leg Hastings: Hello, Cutlass, you trollop.
• Cutlass Liz: Peg-Leg, you pile of squid bait. Check it out, lubbers. The world's biggest diamond. That baby's got my name on it.
• [they all cheer]
• Pirate with Scarf: She doesn't even have a beard.
• [the building rumbles, spitting his teeth out, bounce the eyeball in the cup, then they look at the whale popping out of a water, gasping, sliding to Pirate Captain and Pirate with Scarf, running in the building, then they all get up, then they look at the man, opening the mouth, spitting the tongue out, then Black Bellamy appears]
• Pirate Captain: Sweet Neptune's briny pants. Black Bellamy.
• Black Bellamy: [shoots in the mouth, spitting out coins, sliding in] Roar! Read it, and weep, ya coves! That's right, Black Bellamy is gonna be Pirate of the Year. Again. How are you? Good to see you. Grog for everybody!
• Man: Grog for everybody!
• Albino Pirate: Wow, we are rubbish compared to them, aren't we?
• [Pirate Captain looks at everybody, looking at the paper, scrunching it up, throwing it to Polly, swallowing it up]
• Pirate with Scarf: Um... Perhaps we should be off, sir.
• Pirate Captain: Yes. Yes, yes, good point. I just remembered, actually, I have some very important bits of rope I need to untangle. [walks on the gold]
• Black Bellamy: Well, if it isn't Pirate Captain.
• Pirate Captain: Hello, Bellamy. Cutlass. Peg-Leg. Didn't notice you come in.
• Black Bellamy: The beard's looking great, my man. And I see that you're more wanted than ever. [looks by the poster, with Pirate Captain saying, "WANTED PIRATE CAPTAIN 12 DOUBLOONS REWARD AND A FREE PEN!"] Come on, everybody, be nice. Give him a break. Bring it down a little bit. All right. Seriously, Captain, how's the pirating business treating you?
• Pirate Captain: Yeah, yeah, brilliantly, brilliantly. Thanks for asking. Treasure coming out of my eyeballs. Taken to washing my hair in 50-pound notes.
• Cutlass: Oh, really? If you've got so much booty, then how come you're sailing that old wreck?
• [the wood falls down]
• Pirate Captain: Anyway, look, I'd love to stay and chat, but you know...
• [Albino Pirate takes Polly to Pirate Captain]
• Pirate Captain: ...places to pillage, people to...
• [Polly squawks]
• Pirate Captain: People to skewer.
• [Polly chokes, spitting paper on Bellamy]
• Black Bellamy: Come on!
• Peg-Leg: That is disgusting.
• Black Bellamy: [looks at a paper] Wait a minute.
• Pirate Captain: What?
• Black Bellamy: Captain?
• Pirate Captain: That's nothing. Could I possible have that back?
• Black Bellamy: Hold on, hold on. Wait, wait.
• Pirate Captain: Thank you.
• Black Bellamy: "Pirate of the Year"?
• [they both laugh]
• Black Bellamy: You're entering Pirate of the Year?
• Pirate Captain: No, no, no, no, no. [laughing] Yes.
• Black Bellamy: Again?
• Pirate Captain: Yes!
• Black Bellamy: Come on. Listen, did they change the rules? I mean, I always thought they gave it to the pirate with the most booty. Do they now just give it to the guy with the fattest parrot?
• Pirate Captain: She is not fat. She's just big-boned.
• Black Bellamy: She's fat, dude.
• [they all laugh]
• Pirate Captain: Yeah, go on. Go on, then, laugh. Everyone laugh.
• [they all continue laughing]
• Pirate with Scarf: Ignore them, Captain. It's not worth it. The trophy would just clash with your wallpaper, anyway.
• [they all continue laughing]
• Pirate Captain: [grabs the paper] You'll see, you'll see. I will be Pirate of the Year. Oh, yes. [puts the paper down, stamping it on the paper] And then you'll be laughing on the other side of your faces. [walks away] Yes. And believe me, that is a very painful thing to do. Come on, lads. [continues walking away]
• [they all continue sobbing, then they all walk out, hearing them laugh, then they continue walking down]
• Pirate Captain: All right, now listen up, you coves. We'll show those swabs a thing or two about pirating.
• [they all cheer]
• Pirate Captain: There's still some time to fill these chests with sparkling booty. I can practically taste that trophy.
• All: [chanting] Trophy! Trophy! Trophy!
• [Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate fires her gun]
• Pirate with Scarf: [looks at a ship] Captain! Sail off the port bow!
• Pirate Captain: Ah-ha! Let's get after her, Number Two.
• Pirate with Scarf: [closes his telescope] Aye, aye, sir. Clap on all sail! Royals and topgallants!
• Albino Pirate: Release those gallants!
• [the pirates release the gallants, putting the sail on, opening the cannons, putting the flag on, putting a coin in, rolling the cannonballs, then Pirate Captain points to the sail, then Albino Pirate ride in the boat]
• Pirate Captain: Fire those long things that go bang.
• Pirate with Scarf: Fire cannons four and six!
• [Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate puts a cannonball in, then the man rotates the hook, putting the hook in, grabbing a fire lighter, rotating it in, firing the cannon, shooting at the head]
• Pirate Captain: Eat cannonball, lubbers.
• [the cannon fires the top, flying the birds away]
• Pirate Captain: [throws rope at the pole] Here we go, lads! Look and learn. [swings down]
• Albino Pirate: Go get 'em, Pirate Captain!
• Pirate Captain: [takes his sword out] Avast! I'm the Pirate Captain. [jumps down] And I'm here for your gold.
• Man: Gold? This is a plague boat old man. I'd give my right arm for some gold.
• [the arm falls down]
• Man: Or my left.
• Pirate Captain: [looks at a ship] Right, lads. Minor hiccup, that last one. This time, it's payday! I'm the Pirate Captain, and I'm here for your gold.
• Boy: Geography field trip.
• Pirate Captain: [takes his sword out] I'm the Pirate Captain, and...
• Man: Naturists.
• Pirate Captain: Pirate Captain. Blah, blah, blah, blah, gold.
• Ghost: Ghost ship.
• [they all boo]
• [Pirate Captain looks down, then the ship turns invisible, falling in the water]
• Ghost: Sorry.
• [Pirate Captain falls in the water, then walking down, getting all wet, closing the door, then they continue sailing, putting soap in the cup, saying, "WORLD'S BEST CAPTAIN", trying to eat it, dropping in the cup, hearing a knock]
• Pirate with Scarf: Captain, we've sighted another ship, sir.
• Pirate Captain: Mm-hmm. That's nice.
• Pirate with Scarf: [closes the door, walking in to Pirate Captain] Do you want to give the order to attack?
• Pirate Captain: No, not really, Number Two. No, I think I've... Think I had enough of piracy. I'm hanging up my cutlass.
• Pirate with Scarf: Captain, no!
• Pirate Captain: Yeah, I was thinking I might go into baby clothes, actually.
• Pirate with Scarf: What?
• Pirate Captain: I hear there's a fortune to be made in baby clothes because babies grow so fast.
• Pirate with Scarf: No, but you can't. I mean, the crew, they'd... They'd be lost without you.
• Pirate Captain: What was I thinking, Number Two? Pirate of the Year? Me? Look at the trophy cabinet. [grabs an award] Best Anecdote About a Squid. [throws the award away] I mean, that is all I've got to show for my entire career.
• Pirate with Scarf: Pirate of the Year? It's just commercialized nonsense. Real piracy isn't about trophies. It's about fighting up staircases backwards. It's about sliding down sails with a knife in your teeth. Beard glossiness! And think about all the adventures we've had. Our adventure with Aztecs. Our adventure with that pig. Our adventure with...
• [Pirate Captain fires the cannon to the bookshelf]
• Librarian: Shh!
• Pirate with Scarf: Okay, maybe not with librarians. But the fun we've had. And what about the shanties?
• Pirate Captain: Well, I mean, people would miss my shanties.
• Pirate with Scarf: I do enjoy people running though.
• Pirate Captain: Well, I... I do enjoy running people through.
• Pirate with Scarf: Enjoy it? You're brilliant at it! You're a brine-soaked terror of the high seas!
• Pirate Captain: Do you think so, Number Two?
• Pirate with Scarf: Everyone does! You're more of a pirate than Black Bellamy or any of them. You're a real pirate. That's why the crew, they think you're the best thing since boil-in-the-bag ham. Why do you think they all got that tattoo? Come on. What do you say?
• Pirate Captain: [growls] By Neptune, where's that ship? [puts sword on the ceiling, walking out] This is the one, lads! Ninth time lucky! I can feel it in my beard! well, don't just sit there like lemons! Hoist the flag!
• Pirate with Gout: Standard, sir?
• Albino Pirate: Or extra gruesome?
• [the eyes pop out of a flag]
• Pirate Captain: Extra gruesome! Let's make their gizzard shake.
• [cut inside, with a fish]
• Narrator: Journal of Charles Darwin. Day 93 aboard the Beagle. I have, today, discovered a new kind of barnacle, which I have categorized in the order of Pygophora. [sighs] I'll never get a girlfriend. I am so unhappy.
• [the cannons fire the balls inside, shooting at the bookshelf, shooting at the picture at the face of Victoria, falling down, showing that she sticks her tongue out]
• Narrator: And now I'm being attacked by pirates.
• [Charles looks at the people fighting, then Pirate Captain falls down, then Charles looks at Pirate Captain]
• Pirate Captain: [gets up, taking his sword out] Avast! I'm the Pirate Captain, and I'm here for your gold.
• Charles: I haven't got any gold.
• Pirate Captain: No gold, eh? Then what, might I ask, is this?
• Charles: It's a baboon's kidney.
• Pirate Captain: Is it? And what about this?
• Charles: It's another baboon's kidney.
• [Pirate Captain drops the bean]
• Pirate with Scarf: We searched the hold, Captain.
• Pirate Captain: And?