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  • [first lines]
  • Admiral: Admiral Collingwood!
  • Victoria: [drinks her cup] Well, Admiral?
  • Admiral: Great news, Your Majesty! [claps his hands] The French are defeated at last. Also, the Russians, the Portuguese, the Chinese, and the Welsh.
  • Victoria: Then our navy rules the ocean.
  • Admiral: Almost entirely, Your Majesty.
  • Victoria: "Almost"?
  • Admiral: Unfortunately, just here, we're still having a little trouble with... [gulps his throat] ...pirates.
  • Victoria: What does it say on my royal crest, Admiral?
  • Admiral: [reading] "I hate pirates," ma'am.
  • Victoria: Exactly. Hate them. With their idiotic shanties! And their ridiculous hats! And their endless, blasted roaring! I want them sunk, Admiral! Scuppered, smashed, fed to the sharks. Do you hear me? I HATE PIRATES!
  • Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: [puts sword on map] It's the looting.
  • Pirate with Gout: It's the cutlasses.
  • Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: [to Pirate with Gout] It's the looting!
  • Pirate with Gout: [to Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens] It's the cutlasses!
  • [they both argue]
  • Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: Looting!
  • Pirate with Gout: Cutlasses!
  • Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: Looting!
  • [the men kick the man on the table, breaking it, then the man puts the accordion on the man, then Pirate with Gout grabs the telescope, hitting Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens, throwing Albino Pirate on the shelf, punching the man, throwing the bottle up on the ceiling, breaking it, then Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens dumps the table, then the chair hits Pirate with Gout, then the barrel hits Pirate with Gout, then the fish hits the man, then they continue attacking, then Pirate Captain appears, then they stop attacking]
  • Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: Sorry, Captain.
  • Pirate with Gout: We were just discussing what's the best bit about being a pirate.
  • Pirate Captain: You were, were you?
  • Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: I suggested it might be the looting.
  • Pirate with Gout: Whereas I contend it's the shiny cutlasses.
  • Albino Pirate: And I thought it was the chance to catch exotic diseases.
  • [Pirate with Scarf walks in with Pirate Captain, holding his lantern]
  • Pirate Captain: Well, you're, all of you, wrong. The best bit about being a pirate isn't the looting or the cutlasses. It's not the grog or the scurvy. Or the scantily clad mermaids. The best bit about being a pirate is Ham Night!
  • [they all cheer]
  • Albino Pirate: Ham Night!
  • Pirate Captain: Ham Night! Ham!
  • [the man puts plates on the table, then they put the chairs down, putting a plate down, revealing the ham, then Pirate Captain winks, then Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens taps the table, then they cut the ham, putting them on the table, flying in the face, putting the ham on the sword]
  • Albino Pirate: On your nose.
  • Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: Go, Captain. Go, Captain.
  • [Pirate Captain continues dancing, splitting his legs]
  • Pirate with Captain: Hey! Hey!
  • Albino Pirate: It's like a meat ballet.
  • Pirate with Gout: To Ham Night!
  • Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: Ham!
  • Pirate with Gout: And to the Pirate Captain!
  • [they both knock their cups]
  • Albino Pirate: Pirate Captain!
  • [they all raise their cups, knocking their cups]
  • Pirate Captain: [to Pirate with Scarf] How was that, Number Two?
  • Pirate with Scarf: You've still got it, Captain.
  • Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate: I'd take a jellyfish in the face for that man.
  • Pirate Captain: Okay, now, shush, shush, shush. Settle down, lads. Shush. Lads, lad. It's not all about me.
  • Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: Don't be honest.
  • Pirate Captain: No, no, no, no, no. Behind every captain with glittering and a luxuriant beard.
  • [they all cheer]
  • Pirate Captain: Luxuriant! Briny rogues! [grabs a cup] Sure, some of you are as ugly as a sea cucumber.
  • Pirate with Gout: Will you get away with ya?
  • Pirate Captain: Some of you are closer to being a chair or coat rack than a pirate. And some of you are just fish I've dressed up in a hat. But you're still the best crew a captain could wish for.
  • [they all cheer]
  • Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: Don't forget Polly.
  • Pirate Captain: And not forgetting, never forgetting...
  • [Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens puts Polly down]
  • Pirate Captain: ...Polly. The finest parrot to sail the seven seas. Come on, girl. Who's the feathery heart and the soul of our boat? Is it you? Is it you? Yes, it is. Yes, it is. It's definitely you, isn't it? Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
  • [they all look at Pirate Captain]
  • Pirate Captain: Right. Where was I? Ah, yes! Ah, yes. Important announcement. [puts Polly down] By order of the Pirate King himself... [takes the paper out]
  • [they all gasp, then he taps the ham for a drum roll, throwing a newspaper, saying "PIRATE OF THE YEAR AWARDS"]
  • Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: The Pirate of the Year Awards?
  • Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate: Are you going to... Are you going to enter again?
  • Pirate Captain: That I am, Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate. I know it hasn't worked out perfectly for the last...
  • Pirate with Gout: 20 year.
  • Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: 20 years, yeah.
  • Pirate Captain: Exactly, Pirate with Gout. 20 years.
  • Pirate with Gout: It might be a bit more. 21, 22...
  • Pirate Captain: Yes, yes. Thank you, thank you.
  • Pirate with Gout: You were very good, thought.
  • Albino Pirate: Shush!
  • Pirate Captain: The point is, every time I've entered, I've failed to win. So by the sheer law of maths...
  • Albino Pirate: [clapping] Maths.
  • Pirate Captain: ...I must have a really good chance this time. Are you with me, lads?
  • Albino Pirate: Yes! This can only end brilliantly.
  • Pirate Captain: Then let's go plundering!
  • [they all climb out, then the music begins "Swords of a Thousand Men" by Tenpole Tudor playing, then Pirate with Gout jumps on the wood, flying the Albino Pirate in a nest, holding a telescope, then Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens pulls his anchor up, then Pirate with Scarf pulls his lever down, then Pirate Captain pulls his sword out, then they wakeboard, falling in the water, looking at the shark fins, then the title card appears, then they sail to the whale, swirling them in a whirlpool, sailing to the ship, with horns playing, then they sail down, firing cannons, then the pirates appear, then they swing down to the sail, falling down, then the angels blow the sail, going to the carriage, then they run away, then Polly takes an arrow out of Pirate Captain, then the man plays on the barrels, then they fly and cheer, hitting Neptune, sliding on the whale, knocking the tikis, then the rats dance]
  • Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: Land ho!
  • Pirate Captain: [looks at an island] Blood island. So-called because it's the exact shape of some blood.
  • [the man hears a horn, pulling the lever up, then they continue sailing to Blood Island, then Pirate Captain takes the wheel, spinning around, then Pirate Captain takes the wheel, sailing backwards to the man, then the man climbs up]
  • Albino Pirate: Yeah!
  • [the board hits the man, then they walk down]
  • Pirate Captain: Excuse me. Mind out. Captain coming through. Thank you very much. Thank you. One Pirate of the Year entry form, if you please. [takes a form] Thank you. Now, let's see. "Booty"? Oh, yes. Roaring. Check. Shanties. I shall put "rousing." [checks down] "Beard"? Luxuriant. Obviously. Do you think I should sign it in blood? Make it more dramatic?
  • Pirate with Scarf: Might be a bit on the showy side.
  • Pirate Captain: Bit too much. You might be right. Pirate Captain.
  • Albino Pirate: You can't lose, Captain. I'd bet my face.
  • Pirate Captain: Well, thank you, Albino Pirate.
  • Pirate with Gout: You're a shoo-in, sir. Sure, that's not a pirate on the seven seas can match you.
  • Peg-Leg Hastings: [breaks in the window, knocking everybody over] Lock up your daughters! [laughing] It's me, Peg-Leg Hastings! Back from plunderin' Spanish Main.
  • Pirate Captain: Good grief.
  • Peg-Leg Hastings: And I reckon this will make me Pirate of the Year. [laughing]
  • Pirate with Scarf: Don't worry, sir. He's all flash and no bang.
  • [Cutlass Liz shoots a cannon, breaking the wall, blowing smoke away]
  • Peg-Leg Hastings: Cutlass Liz.
  • Pirate with Gout: The butcher of Barbados.
  • Cutlass Liz: Hello, boys.
  • [the man looks at Cutlass Liz]
  • Cutlass Liz: You're probably all wondering If I'm still as deadly as I am beautiful. [puts a sword in the man] Well, I am. [walks down]
  • Peg-Leg Hastings: Hello, Cutlass, you trollop.
  • Cutlass Liz: Peg-Leg, you pile of squid bait. Check it out, lubbers. The world's biggest diamond. That baby's got my name on it.
  • [they all cheer]
  • Pirate with Scarf: She doesn't even have a beard.
  • [the building rumbles, spitting his teeth out, bounce the eyeball in the cup, then they look at the whale popping out of a water, gasping, sliding to Pirate Captain and Pirate with Scarf, running in the building, then they all get up, then they look at the man, opening the mouth, spitting the tongue out, then Black Bellamy appears]
  • Pirate Captain: Sweet Neptune's briny pants. Black Bellamy.
  • Black Bellamy: [shoots in the mouth, spitting out coins, sliding in] Roar! Read it, and weep, ya coves! That's right, Black Bellamy is gonna be Pirate of the Year. Again. How are you? Good to see you. Grog for everybody!
  • Man: Grog for everybody!
  • Albino Pirate: Wow, we are rubbish compared to them, aren't we?
  • [Pirate Captain looks at everybody, looking at the paper, scrunching it up, throwing it to Polly, swallowing it up]
  • Pirate with Scarf: Um... Perhaps we should be off, sir.
  • Pirate Captain: Yes. Yes, yes, good point. I just remembered, actually, I have some very important bits of rope I need to untangle. [walks on the gold]
  • Black Bellamy: Well, if it isn't Pirate Captain.
  • Pirate Captain: Hello, Bellamy. Cutlass. Peg-Leg. Didn't notice you come in.
  • Black Bellamy: The beard's looking great, my man. And I see that you're more wanted than ever. [looks by the poster, with Pirate Captain saying, "WANTED PIRATE CAPTAIN 12 DOUBLOONS REWARD AND A FREE PEN!"] Come on, everybody, be nice. Give him a break. Bring it down a little bit. All right. Seriously, Captain, how's the pirating business treating you?
  • Pirate Captain: Yeah, yeah, brilliantly, brilliantly. Thanks for asking. Treasure coming out of my eyeballs. Taken to washing my hair in 50-pound notes.
  • Cutlass: Oh, really? If you've got so much booty, then how come you're sailing that old wreck?
  • [the wood falls down]
  • Pirate Captain: Anyway, look, I'd love to stay and chat, but you know...
  • [Albino Pirate takes Polly to Pirate Captain]
  • Pirate Captain: ...places to pillage, people to...
  • [Polly squawks]
  • Pirate Captain: People to skewer.
  • [Polly chokes, spitting paper on Bellamy]
  • Black Bellamy: Come on!
  • Peg-Leg: That is disgusting.
  • Black Bellamy: [looks at a paper] Wait a minute.
  • Pirate Captain: What?
  • Black Bellamy: Captain?
  • Pirate Captain: That's nothing. Could I possible have that back?
  • Black Bellamy: Hold on, hold on. Wait, wait.
  • Pirate Captain: Thank you.
  • Black Bellamy: "Pirate of the Year"?
  • [they both laugh]
  • Black Bellamy: You're entering Pirate of the Year?
  • Pirate Captain: No, no, no, no, no. [laughing] Yes.
  • Black Bellamy: Again?
  • Pirate Captain: Yes!
  • Black Bellamy: Come on. Listen, did they change the rules? I mean, I always thought they gave it to the pirate with the most booty. Do they now just give it to the guy with the fattest parrot?
  • Pirate Captain: She is not fat. She's just big-boned.
  • Black Bellamy: She's fat, dude.
  • [they all laugh]
  • Pirate Captain: Yeah, go on. Go on, then, laugh. Everyone laugh.
  • [they all continue laughing]
  • Pirate with Scarf: Ignore them, Captain. It's not worth it. The trophy would just clash with your wallpaper, anyway.
  • [they all continue laughing]
  • Pirate Captain: [grabs the paper] You'll see, you'll see. I will be Pirate of the Year. Oh, yes. [puts the paper down, stamping it on the paper] And then you'll be laughing on the other side of your faces. [walks away] Yes. And believe me, that is a very painful thing to do. Come on, lads. [continues walking away]
  • [they all continue sobbing, then they all walk out, hearing them laugh, then they continue walking down]
  • Pirate Captain: All right, now listen up, you coves. We'll show those swabs a thing or two about pirating.
  • [they all cheer]
  • Pirate Captain: There's still some time to fill these chests with sparkling booty. I can practically taste that trophy.
  • All: [chanting] Trophy! Trophy! Trophy!
  • [Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate fires her gun]
  • Pirate with Scarf: [looks at a ship] Captain! Sail off the port bow!
  • Pirate Captain: Ah-ha! Let's get after her, Number Two.
  • Pirate with Scarf: [closes his telescope] Aye, aye, sir. Clap on all sail! Royals and topgallants!
  • Albino Pirate: Release those gallants!
  • [the pirates release the gallants, putting the sail on, opening the cannons, putting the flag on, putting a coin in, rolling the cannonballs, then Pirate Captain points to the sail, then Albino Pirate ride in the boat]
  • Pirate Captain: Fire those long things that go bang.
  • Pirate with Scarf: Fire cannons four and six!
  • [Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate puts a cannonball in, then the man rotates the hook, putting the hook in, grabbing a fire lighter, rotating it in, firing the cannon, shooting at the head]
  • Pirate Captain: Eat cannonball, lubbers.
  • [the cannon fires the top, flying the birds away]
  • Pirate Captain: [throws rope at the pole] Here we go, lads! Look and learn. [swings down]
  • Albino Pirate: Go get 'em, Pirate Captain!
  • Pirate Captain: [takes his sword out] Avast! I'm the Pirate Captain. [jumps down] And I'm here for your gold.
  • Man: Gold? This is a plague boat old man. I'd give my right arm for some gold.
  • [the arm falls down]
  • Man: Or my left.
  • Pirate Captain: [looks at a ship] Right, lads. Minor hiccup, that last one. This time, it's payday! I'm the Pirate Captain, and I'm here for your gold.
  • Boy: Geography field trip.
  • Pirate Captain: [takes his sword out] I'm the Pirate Captain, and...
  • Man: Naturists.
  • Pirate Captain: Pirate Captain. Blah, blah, blah, blah, gold.
  • Ghost: Ghost ship.
  • [they all boo]
  • [Pirate Captain looks down, then the ship turns invisible, falling in the water]
  • Ghost: Sorry.
  • [Pirate Captain falls in the water, then walking down, getting all wet, closing the door, then they continue sailing, putting soap in the cup, saying, "WORLD'S BEST CAPTAIN", trying to eat it, dropping in the cup, hearing a knock]
  • Pirate with Scarf: Captain, we've sighted another ship, sir.
  • Pirate Captain: Mm-hmm. That's nice.
  • Pirate with Scarf: [closes the door, walking in to Pirate Captain] Do you want to give the order to attack?
  • Pirate Captain: No, not really, Number Two. No, I think I've... Think I had enough of piracy. I'm hanging up my cutlass.
  • Pirate with Scarf: Captain, no!
  • Pirate Captain: Yeah, I was thinking I might go into baby clothes, actually.
  • Pirate with Scarf: What?
  • Pirate Captain: I hear there's a fortune to be made in baby clothes because babies grow so fast.
  • Pirate with Scarf: No, but you can't. I mean, the crew, they'd... They'd be lost without you.
  • Pirate Captain: What was I thinking, Number Two? Pirate of the Year? Me? Look at the trophy cabinet. [grabs an award] Best Anecdote About a Squid. [throws the award away] I mean, that is all I've got to show for my entire career.
  • Pirate with Scarf: Pirate of the Year? It's just commercialized nonsense. Real piracy isn't about trophies. It's about fighting up staircases backwards. It's about sliding down sails with a knife in your teeth. Beard glossiness! And think about all the adventures we've had. Our adventure with Aztecs. Our adventure with that pig. Our adventure with...
  • [Pirate Captain fires the cannon to the bookshelf]
  • Librarian: Shh!
  • Pirate with Scarf: Okay, maybe not with librarians. But the fun we've had. And what about the shanties?
  • Pirate Captain: Well, I mean, people would miss my shanties.
  • Pirate with Scarf: I do enjoy people running though.
  • Pirate Captain: Well, I... I do enjoy running people through.
  • Pirate with Scarf: Enjoy it? You're brilliant at it! You're a brine-soaked terror of the high seas!
  • Pirate Captain: Do you think so, Number Two?
  • Pirate with Scarf: Everyone does! You're more of a pirate than Black Bellamy or any of them. You're a real pirate. That's why the crew, they think you're the best thing since boil-in-the-bag ham. Why do you think they all got that tattoo? Come on. What do you say?
  • Pirate Captain: [growls] By Neptune, where's that ship? [puts sword on the ceiling, walking out] This is the one, lads! Ninth time lucky! I can feel it in my beard! well, don't just sit there like lemons! Hoist the flag!
  • Pirate with Gout: Standard, sir?
  • Albino Pirate: Or extra gruesome?
  • [the eyes pop out of a flag]
  • Pirate Captain: Extra gruesome! Let's make their gizzard shake.
  • [cut inside, with a fish]
  • Narrator: Journal of Charles Darwin. Day 93 aboard the Beagle. I have, today, discovered a new kind of barnacle, which I have categorized in the order of Pygophora. [sighs] I'll never get a girlfriend. I am so unhappy.
  • [the cannons fire the balls inside, shooting at the bookshelf, shooting at the picture frame at the face of Victoria, falling down, showing that she sticks her tongue out]
  • Narrator: And now I'm being attacked by pirates.
  • [Charles looks at the people fighting, then Pirate Captain falls down, then Charles looks at Pirate Captain]
  • Pirate Captain: [gets up, taking his sword out] Avast! I'm the Pirate Captain, and I'm here for your gold.
  • Charles: I haven't got any gold.
  • Pirate Captain: No gold, eh? Then what, might I ask, is this?
  • Charles: It's a baboon's kidney.
  • Pirate Captain: Is it? And what about this?
  • Charles: It's another baboon's kidney.
  • [Pirate Captain drops the bean]
  • Pirate with Scarf: We searched the hold, Captain.
  • Pirate Captain: And?
  • Pirate with Scarf: Just creatures. Bits of creatures in jars.
  • Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate: And an unhappy-looking baboon.
  • Pirate Captain: [nods] What kind of ship is this?
  • Charles: We're a... Well, we were a scientific expedition. Charles Darwin, at your service, sir.
  • Pirate Captain: Oh, for pity's sake! Is it so much to ask? Is it?
  • [they both shake their heads]
  • Pirate Captain: I just want one tiny bit of success! One teensy weensy bit of respect from my peers just once in my life!
  • [the monkey's head bounces on the table, lading in a picture frame]
  • Pirate Captain: [to Charles] Is that such a crime? Is it? [puts sword down]
  • Charles: No?
  • Pirate Captain: No!
  • Charles: No.
  • Pirate Captain: Oh, but you try telling that to the universe. Just once, just once for things to go right. Just... Just once.
  • [they all look around]
  • Charles: So, are we done here?
  • Narrator: Dear Diary, about to meet a watery grave.
  • Pirate with Scarf: It's nothing personal, you understand. It's just... It's been a tough week, and a good plank walk usually cheers him up.
  • Narrator: Will die without reaching second base with a lady.
  • Pirate Captain: Oh, get on with it!
  • [Polly flies to Pirate Captain]
  • Narrator: Today's weather: inclement.
  • [Charles hears a squawk, then the light shines on Polly]
  • Charles: Stop!
  • Pirate Captain: Now what? Last request, is it? Do we have to grant those? Is there some sort of human rights convention we're signed up to?
  • Charles: But that bird!
  • Pirate Captain: My parrot? She's just big-boned!
  • Charles: No, she's not. I mean... I mean, she's not a parrot.
  • Pirate Captain: Not a parrot? What's he on about, old girl?
  • Charles: She's... She's... She's the scientific discovery of our age! She's a... [falls in the water, screaming]
  • Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate: Sorry, it's just, that's my favorite bit.
  • Pirate Captain: A dodo, what do you say?
  • Charles: They've been extinct for 150 years. To find one alive today. It's quite incredible. [falls down]
  • Pirate Captain: Well, clever old girl. Not going extinct.
  • Charles: If I might be so bold, I would be prepared to pay you 10 pounds for your Polly.
  • [they all laugh]
  • Pirate with Scarf: Polly's not for sale.
  • Pirate with Gout: Ten pound. She's one of the family.
  • Albino Pirate: She's like an auntie. With a beak.
  • Pirate Captain: Yeah, I'm afraid they're right, Charles. Polly here is the feathery heart and soul of the boat. Come on, little dodo.
  • Charles: [takes the squid off, walking in] It's such a missed opportunity. If I could've presented her to London to the Royal Society at their annual science show...
  • Pirate Captain: No question for that, I'm afraid.
  • Charles: She'd have been an absolute sensation.
  • Pirate Captain: Yeah, well, can't be helped.
  • Charles: And of course a shoo-in for the top prize.
  • Pirate Captain: Prize?
  • Charles: For best scientific discovery. Yes.
  • Pirate Captain: This prize, valuable, is it?
  • Charles: Valuable? It's priceless. Untold riches.
  • [the dollars pop out of a cash register]
  • Pirate with Scarf: Captain...
  • Pirate Captain: No, no, no, no. I was thinking, perhaps, perhaps, I was being a touch hasty.
  • Pirate with Scarf: But, Captain, London? The home of Queen Victoria, mortal enemy is pirates everywhere? We'll end up hanged at Execution Dock.
  • [they all gasp]
  • Pirate Captain: We laugh in the face of danger, remember?
  • Pirate with Gout: I don't.
  • Albino Pirate: I don't really like danger at all.
  • [Pirate Captain closes the door]
  • Pirate with Scarf: Captain, do you remember the little talk we had?
  • Pirate Captain: The one about whether pigs are actually a type of fruit.
  • Pirate with Scarf: No.
  • [Charles looks at a newspaper]
  • Pirate with Scarf: No. The one about of trying to avoid harebrained schemes that end in us facing certain death.
  • Pirate Captain: You heard the man, Number Two. "Untold riches." Here's the plan. We go to London, Polly wins this science show thingy, we take the prize money, I enter Pirate of the Year, I win! Bingo!
  • Pirate with Scarf: But, but, but, but, Captain, I'm not sure.
  • Pirate Captain: It can't fail. And besides, look at her little face. [imitates Polly] I sure want to win that science prize. Squawk!
  • Charles: Bravo, Captain! I see you're a man of vision!
  • Pirate Captain: [opens a map] Right, then, Charles. When is this science show of yours?
  • Charles: A week tomorrow.
  • Pirate Captain: Confound it! You see, we could've made that with a good wind behind us, but unfortunately there's this dirty great sea monster in the way.
  • Charles: I think they just add those onto maps for decoration, Captain.
  • Pirate Captain: Is that a fact? Well, blow me down. [grabs Charles] I dare, you could learn something from this fine fellow, Number Two.
  • [the music begins "London Calling" by The Clash playing, then Albino Pirate takes ham in the water, spinning the ship around, then the men cut in, then they continue sailing, touching Neptune, then they continue sailing, then they go in Duty Free, then they sail to London]
  • Pirate Captain: London Town. The most romantic city in the world.
  • Albino Pirate: "Queen Victoria welcomes you to London." That's nice. Perhaps she's not so bad after all.
  • [the sign flips around, saying, "UNLESS YOU'RE A PIRATE!", putting flames on, then they all gasp]
  • Pirate Captain: Well, don't look so worried, Number Two. Pirates are always visiting London.
  • Scarlett Turn back! This is the fate pirates here!
  • Pirate Captain: Is that Scarlett Morgan?
  • Scarlett: Pirate Captain. Goodness me! I haven't seen you since that business in Madagascar.
  • Pirate Captain: [thinks of Pirate Captain and the man in Hawaii] Yes. I could've sworn they were girls.
  • Scarlett: Yeah, lost a bit of weight. What are you up to these days?
  • Pirate Captain: Oh, you know, this and that. Yeah, just gonna enter a science competition, actually.
  • Scarlett: Oh, good luck with that.
  • Pirate Captain: Yeah, thanks, thanks.
  • Scarlett: No, no, wait, wait! Turn back! Turn back.
  • [the boat stops]
  • Pirate Captain: Sorry.
  • Man: No! Look what you've done to me boat. Look at the state of it. I hope you've got some insurance, 'cause I...
  • [the anchor hits the man]
  • Charles: Right, then. We'll be off. I'll bring her back tomorrow straight after the show.
  • Pirate Captain: Well, don't be daft, Charles. I'll be presenting Polly.
  • Charles: You?
  • Pirate Captain: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I always fancied trying my hand at a spot of science.
  • Charles: But you can't. I mean, the streets of London are no place for pirates.
  • Pirate Captain: Pirates? What pirates?
  • [Charles gasps]
  • Pirate Captain: Nobody here but us Girl Guides.
  • [they all salute]
  • Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate: Yes!
  • Albino Pirate: I've got a badge for looting.
  • Pirate Captain: We're not really Girl Guides. It's us, the pirates. We're masters of disguise.
  • Charles: How ingenious. But all the same, Captain, best we lie low for the night. Perhaps at my house.
  • Pirate Captain: Good plan, Chuck. Be fun to see how you boffin types live. Well, come on. Taxi! [walks down]
  • Police Officer: Hidey-ho, ladies. [takes his hat off, with a bread on his head, putting the hat back on]
  • [the carriage drives by the house]
  • Albino Pirate: London smells like Grandma.
  • Charles: Whoa. Here we are. Home, sweet home. [looks at a house]
  • Pirate Captain: You don't get many woman back here, do you, Charles?
  • Pirate with Gout: People who like alone are always serial killers.
  • Pirate Captain: [walks to the house, gasping, looking at Mr. Bobo] Sweet Neptune on a bike!
  • [Mr. Bobo shows the cards, saying, "HELLO THERE GIRLS"]
  • Charles: Oh, don't mind, Mr. Bobo. Just an old project of mine.
  • Pirate Captain: Project?
  • Charles: Yeah, I had this theory. I thought that if you took a monkey, gave him a monocle and covered up his gigantic, unsightly ass, then he would cease to be a monkey and become more of a... A man-panzee, if you will.
  • Pirate Captain: Bold theory.
  • Albino Pirate: I don't like the monkey.
  • Charles: But to be honest, monkeys are a 10 penny. He's not a patch on Polly here.
  • [Polly bites Charles' finger]
  • Charles: Anyhow, big day tomorrow. We all need our rest. Let me show you to your room, Captain. [throws jacket at Mr. Bobo]
  • Pirate Captain: Right behind you, Chuck.
  • [the jacket lands on Pirate with Scarf, then the light turns off in the room, then Pirate with Scarf looks at a bear, walking away, looking at Charles and Mr. Bobo, then Mr. Bobo hands out a card, saying, "BUT...", then putting it down, then Charles walks away, hearing a knock, opening the door, going in]
  • Pirate with Scarf: Captain. It's... It's Mr. Darwin, sir. I'm sure he's up to no good.
  • Pirate Captain: Honestly, Number Two, what's got into you?
  • Charles: Thanks to Charles, we're about to win lavish untold riches, and here you are trying to find fault with the poor fellow.
  • Pirate with Scarf: Yes, but...
  • Pirate Captain: No, no, no. Not another word. A future Pirate of the Year needs his beauty sleep. Do you think you could make nautical noises until we drop off?
  • [Pirate with Scarf blows his mouth]
  • Pirate Captain: That's lovely. Can you do the shiver timber? [puts his mask on, laying down] And just chuck in a few gulls, would you?
  • [Pirate with Scarf imitates squawk, then he puts a blanket on Pirate Captain, turning the light off, sitting down, taking a sword, then the Pirate Captain continues snoring, then Pirate with Scarf yawns, then Pirate Captain continues sleeping, then they continue sleeping]
  • Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, our winner. Give it up for the Pirate Captain!
  • [Pirate Captain looks at the lights, and the stairs, walking up to Cutlass Liz]
  • Cutlass Liz: Congratulations, Pirate Captain. Nobody deserves this more to you. [takes a trophy to Pirate Captain]
  • Pirate Captain: Thanks, Cutlass.
  • Cutlass Liz: And that beard of yours. It drives me crazy.
  • [cut back to Pirate Captain, then Pirate Captain tries to kiss Black Bellamy, playing tug-of-war with that trophy]
  • Pirate Captain: Give it back, Bellamy, it's mine! No, give it back.
  • [Mr. Bobo grabs Polly, then the Pirate Captain takes his mask off]
  • Pirate Captain: Neptune's navel! Come back here, you lubber.
  • Pirate with Scarf: Stop, thief!
  • [Pirate Captain falls down, then Pirate with Scarf opens a window, looking at Polly popping out of a chimney, taking Polly, then Pirate with Scarf climbs up, looking at Mr. Bobo]
  • Pirate with Scarf: I'll take that.
  • Pirate Captain: Not so fast, my friend.
  • [Pirate with Scarf falls down]
  • Pirate Captain: Number Two!
  • [Pirate with Scarf hangs on the roof]
  • Pirate Captain: Number Two, are you all right?
  • [Mr. Bobo takes Polly]
  • Pirate Captain: Unhand that dodo! [falls in a bath, looking at Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate]
  • Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate: Evening, Captain.
  • [the floor breaks, then the bath slides down by Mr. Bobo, running away, then Charles looks at a pocket watch, then they continue sliding down, then Pirate with Scarf swings in the bath, then they look at a mask, screaming]
  • Pirate Captain: Number Two!
  • [they all look at a stone head, knocking the stone head, knocking down, breaking the rails, rolling down, knocking the bear]
  • Pirate with Gout: We're under attack! Abandon ship!
  • [they both walk out, then they continue sliding down]
  • Pirate with Gout: Hello, Captain, Pirate with a Scarf!
  • [Mr. Bobo swings under a skeleton, then they fly under a skeleton, then they continue sliding down, bouncing up and down, touching the rug]
  • Pirate Captain: Come back here, Mysterious Shadowy Figure!
  • [the stone head continues rolling down]
  • Albino Pirate: Faster! Faster!
  • [Mr. Bobo runs away by Charles, then looking at the people sliding down, then Charles closes the door, then the stone head flies up, then they all stop sliding, then the stone head breaks the floor, then they all fly up, then they continue running, then the house breaks, then they fall down]
  • Pirate Captain: Got you! Are you all right, girl?
  • Charles: Captain! I mean, what's going on?
  • Pirate with Scarf: Don't pay the innocent. You and your hench-monkey tried to steal Polly.
  • Charles: Steal Polly? Dear me, no, you're mistaken.
  • Pirate with Scarf: Then how do you explain this?
  • [the glasses and cape fall down, then Mr. Bobo opens the door, flipping the cards, saying, "TEA GENTLEMEN?"]
  • Charles: Well, I think it's obvious what's happened, isn't it?
  • Pirate Captain: Is it?
  • Charles: Some jealous rival scientist must have tried to make off with the dodo.
  • Pirate Captain: Well, that explains everything.
  • Pirate with Scarf: [to Pirate Captain] Captain, please, let's go. Polly's not safe in London.
  • Albino Pirate: I couldn't bear it if something happened to Polly.
  • Pirate Captain: Nothing is going to happen to Polly. She'll be perfectly safe. Leave everything to me. Now, come on, we can't keep that prize waiting.
  • [Charles slaps Mr. Bobo, then they all walk in]
  • Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate: Anyone got a towel?
  • [cut to London]
  • Charles: Nice going, banana butt. Now this briny buffoon is gonna grab all the glory. It's a disaster. It's... [sighs] Bad news, I'm afraid, Captain. You can't go in. It's strictly scientists only, you see. I'll just have to present Polly myself.
  • Pirate Captain: We're not really scientists. It's us, the pirates. See? Masters of disguise.
  • Charles: But where's Polly?
  • Pirate Captain: That is on a need-to-know basis from here on in, Charles.
  • Charles: Pardon?
  • Pirate Captain: I am keeping her hidden. That shadow figure could by anywhere. Luckily, I am not only a master of disguises, I am also a master of hiding things. Right, lads, let's show these boffins what's what.
  • Charles: But, Captain. Really, I...
  • Pirate Captain: Hello! [rings the bell] We're here for the science show. We're scientists. That's a pipette, this is Charles Darwin, and I am the Scientist Captain.
  • Man: If you're a scientist, name three elements.
  • Pirate Captain: Well, let's see now. There's... There's gold, ham, and the tears of a mermaid.
  • Man: Yeah, two out of three. Close enough. First on your left. The balloon of my airship contains 20,000 cubic feet of hydrogen gas.
  • Pirate with Scarf: Excuse me.
  • Man: Just here, you will notice the open log fire to ensure a comfortable temperature at higher altitudes.
  • [Pirate with Gout sits down]
  • Charles: Captain?
  • [they all walk down]
  • Charles: Captain, Captain, please. You can't possibly appear on stage without Polly.
  • Pirate Captain: [to Charles] Patience, Charles. All in good time. [opens the door] Excuse me. Sorry. [opens another door] Sorry.
  • Man: Idiot!
  • Pirate Captain: [opens the door, looking around] Just a tick.
  • Charles: Oh, but, Captain.
  • [Pirate Captain opens the door, walking out]
  • Charles: How on earth did...
  • Man: My airship will revolutionize the fields or meteorology and cartography. But mostly, it's for looking down ladies' tops.
  • [they all applaud]
  • Man: Ingenious.
  • [the arrow points to Quite Polite]
  • Charles: Captain, I really, really think it would be best if I take over from here. There's a certain manner in which these things are conduc...
  • Pirate Captain: Nonsense, Chuck. What this science stuff needs is a bit of showmanship! [licks his tongue, putting on the hair, grabbing the blanket holder]
  • [Charles slaps on the table, dumping vinegar in the the bowl, then Mr. Bobo shows the cards, saying, "UH OH!", blowing the dough, falling in]
  • Pirate with Gout: Look, it's the captain. Captain! Captain!
  • Pirate Captain: Fellow scientists, poindexters, geeks, prepare to be confounded. Prepare to be amazed. Prepare to... Wait a second. What's this? [clears throat] What's this!
  • Albino Pirate: [runs by Charles, running by Pirate Captain] Stop! I am the world's leading doctor, and I declare the science you are doing is too shocking by a half.
  • Pirate Captain: Dr. Albino, are you saying that those of a nervous disposition should leave immediately, in case the sheer unexpected remarkableness of my discovery should cause their hearts to explode?
  • [Charles sighs]
  • Albino Pirate: [looks at some notes] I am.
  • Pirate Captain: Well, science lovers, you have been warned.
  • Pirate with Gout: This is our most educational adventure ever.
  • [the man plays the accordion, turning the spotlight on]
  • Pirate Captain: Back from the dead. Back from beyond the grave. Back to astound you all. The ninth wonder of the world. She's traveled halfway across the globe to be here tonight. Here's Polly!
  • Albino Pirate: It's a dodo.
  • Man: By Jove.
  • [Mr. Bobo plays on the drum sets, then they all applaud, pointing the arrow on red, laying down, then pointing to Ladies Fainting]
  • Pirate Captain: An actual dodo!
  • Man: Makes electricity look like a pile of crap.
  • [the men continue applauding]
  • Man: The Royal Society's prize for best scientific discovery...
  • Pirate Captain: I hope it's not a check.
  • Man: ...is awarded to...
  • Pirate Captain: Have you any idea what the sterling-doubleoon exchange rate is these days?
  • Man: ...the Scientist Captain.
  • Pirate Captain: Thank you, thank you. [kisses his mouth] You're too kind. Please stop. Enough. Thank you. Thank you.
  • [the man takes the trophy to Pirate Captain]
  • Pirate Captain: Is that it?
  • Man: Oh, no.
  • Pirate Captain: Ah, good.
  • Man: You also get this leather-bound set of encyclopedias.
  • Pirate Captain: Excuse me just one moment. Thank you. [takes the flowers to the man, laying down] Okay, Chuck. Now, I like encyclopedias as much as the next man, but they're not exactly gonna help me win Pirate of the Year, are they? [breaks the cup] Where's the booty?
  • Charles: Booty? What booty?
  • Pirate Captain: The prize! The "untold riches," remember?
  • Charles: Oh. [drinks his cup] Perhaps I didn't explain. It's not all about money. No, the real prize is...
  • Man: Her Royal Majesty, the Empress of India, Ruler of the Kingdom of Java a personal audience with Defender of the Faith...
  • Both: ...Queen Victoria...
  • Charles: ...herself.
  • [Pirate Captain gasps, then the guards block the door, then Mr. Bobo, shows the cards, saying, "DUM DUM DUMMM!", then they look at the door opening, then the people bow, then Queen Victoria walks in by the horse, dropping the chicken, stopping the horse]
  • Victoria: Scientist Captain, congratulations. What a tremendous discovery.
  • Pirate Captain: Your... Your Majesty.
  • Victoria: And who are these charming fellows?
  • Pirate Captain: Well, this is my crew.
  • Pirate with Scarf: By which me means lab assistant crew.
  • Pirate Captain: Yes, yes. I'm using "crew" in the street sense. Yo.
  • Charles: And I'm Charles Darwin, Your Majesty. I helped find the dodo.
  • Victoria: Yes, whatever. But where has your delightful creature disappeared to?
  • Pirate Captain: Resting, ma'am. I only let her out for the big performance, I'm afraid. In case sinister forces should try to make off with her, you see.
  • Victoria: Sinister forces? Oh, dear. Well, we have a wonderful petting zoo at the palace where Polly would be quiet safe. Perhaps we could take her off your hands.
  • Pirate Captain: I'm sorry, ma'am, but that's out of the question.
  • Victoria: But she had a lovely time. There are guinea pigs and a donkey.
  • Pirate Captain: No, no, I couldn't, ma'am.
  • Victoria: Not even for little old me?
  • Pirate Captain: No, no, no, I'm afraid not, ma'am. No, you see, there is nothing more important to a pirate than his trusted dodo. She is the feathery heart and soul of the boat.
  • Victoria: Did you say, "pirate"?
  • [the glasses fall in the cups]
  • Pirate Captain: Pirate? No, no, no, no, no. Scientists. Yes, good old, good old science. Can't get enough of it. Mixing stuff together. You know, test tube tubing and Bunsen burning.
  • [the potion drops on the ground, then they gasp]
  • Man: He's no scientist! He's a Girl Guide!
  • [the potion drops on the ground again, then they gasp]
  • Man: He's no Girl Guide! He's a...
  • All: ...pirate!
  • [Queen Victoria puts her teeth out]
  • Pirate Captain: Hang on, hang on. There's been some kind of a mistake. Some...
  • [the guard hits Pirate with Scarf]
  • Pirate Captain: Some silly mistake. Whoa, laddies! Stop, stop. I can explain.
  • [the guards put Pirate Captain down, then Charles gasps, opening the curtain with the man with an ax and the wheel, walking to Pirate Captain, raising his ax]
  • Charles: Your Majesty. He's hidden the dodo. If you chop his head off now, we might never find out where.
  • Victoria: [to the man with an ax] Wait a mo.
  • [Pirate with Gout chops the salami, looking at the ax wobbling]
  • Victoria: One doesn't know why. Perhaps it's his luxuriant beard or his gleaming teeth or the way he smells faintly of coconuts. But we have taken a shine to this pirate. Do you have a name, Pirate Captain?
  • Pirate Captain: They call me the Pirate Captain.
  • Victoria: Well, Pirate Captain, we hereby pardon you of your piratical crimes.
  • [they all applaud]
  • Victoria: You will stay in London, Pirate Captain, and entertain us with your stories and your wit. And especially your dear little dodo. [walks by Pirate Captain]
  • Pirate Captain: Hell's barnacles.
  • Pirate with Scarf: Can we please get out of here now?
  • Pirate Captain: That was a bit close for comfort, Number Two.
  • Charles: I will get you the dodo, Your Majesty.
  • Victoria: See that you do, Mr. Darwin.
  • Charles: [looks around] Captain? Captain! [runs down] Captain!
  • Pirate Captain: Hurry up, lads, chop-chop. Let's get back to sea where we belong.
  • All: Aye, aye, Captain!
  • Pirate Captain: I told you coming coming to London was a bad idea. The sooner I get the smell of brine in my...
  • Charles: Captain! Captain! Whoa! You're not leaving, surely?
  • Pirate Captain: I most certainly am. You've let me down badly, Charles.
  • Charles: Look! Look!
  • Pirate Captain: Also, to be frank...
  • Charles: Captain...
  • Pirate Captain: ...your nose is too small for your face.
  • Charles: But you're the toast of London Town. [throws paper at Pirate Captain]
  • Pirate Captain: I say, look at that. They've really captured my eyes.
  • Charles: We were hoping you might come out for a little celebration before you go.
  • Pirate with Scarf: We don't want to miss the tide, Captain.
  • Pirate Captain: No, no, no. Quite right, quite right.
  • Woman: Captain, do join us, please?
  • Pirate Captain: I'll just stop for a quick one. Rude to refuse.
  • Pirate with Gout: But it's Ham Night.
  • Pirate Captain: I'll be 20 minutes. Half an hour tops. Just get her... Get her warmed up without me.
  • Albino Pirate: Aren't we going yet? But what about winning the Pirate of the Year and showing all those other captains that he's not a loser?
  • Jane: You-hoo! Come along, Captain.
  • Pirate with Scarf: Captain...
  • Jane: Cheers!
  • Pirate Captain: Good evening. Thank you. Thank you so very much.
  • Pirate with Scarf: Captain...
  • Pirate Captain: And your name is?
  • Jane: Miss Jane Austen.
  • [Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens throws the anchor down]
  • Pirate Captain: And that, and that is why, in a straight fight, a shark would probably beat a Dracula. Jane Austen, feel free to use it one of your books.
  • Woman: Pirate Captain, you are a born raconteur. So much better than the last chap we all went doolally over.
  • Man: You've all terribly kind.
  • Woman: [throws a cup at the man] Do run along.
  • Charles: Another drink, Captain?
  • Pirate Captain: Cheers, Chuck. [tries to take a drink] I say, you're not related in some way, are you?
  • Charles: Pardon?
  • Pirate Captain: It's just you, sort of... Well, no, no, nothing, nothing, nothing. Cheers. [takes a drink]
  • [cut outside]
  • Pirate Captain: Do you know what I've discovered, Charles? The friends you make after you've become famous are better, truer friends than the ones you've had for years beforehand.
  • Charles: So very wise.
  • Pirate Captain: But the lads will think I'm a fool.
  • Charles: No. A fool, you? You're an intellectual giant. Just look at how you managed to keep Polly safe from those sinister forces.
  • Pirate Captain: Yes, I did do that, didn't I?
  • Charles: You did. And wherever she's hidden, I bet it's somewhere really ingenious.
  • Pirate Captain: It is rather. You'll never guess where.
  • Charles: Well, no, why, you're too smart for me, Captain.
  • Pirate Captain: Right under everyone's noses. Or right under my noses, anyhow. [pulls Polly out] Ta-da!
  • [they both gasp and sigh]
  • Charles: You've been keeping Polly in your beard?
  • Pirate Captain: [takes a clock out] Actually, I keep all sorts in here. [takes a banana out]
  • Charles: I'm sorry about this, Captain.
  • Pirate Captain: [takes an umbrella] About what?
  • [Mr. Bobo takes out a gun, taking a card out, saying, "STICK 'EM UP!"]
  • Pirate Captain: What the... What's the monkey-man playing at? [takes a gun] This patently isn't even a real...
  • [the gun fires, laying down, flying Polly to Charles, then they walk down, then Pirate Captain gets up, looking at Charles, Mr. Bobo, and Polly running away]
  • Pirate Captain: Come back here, you lubbers!
  • [they both continue running away, then grabbing a stick, then the man flies off from the bike]
  • Pirate Captain: Sorry, Your Reverence. [gets on a bike, riding down to the people, knocking everybody over, then the police officer whistles, then the pig lands on the police officer, grabbing the pole, charging to Charles, Polly, and Mr. Bobo, jumping off a bike, then he runs in, then Charles tries to close the door, then he walks in the elevator] Got you, you rogue!
  • [Mr. Bobo pushes the lever to up, closing the door]
  • Pirate Captain: Yeah, that's rather nice.
  • [they continue going up the elevator]
  • Pirate Captain: Neptune's lips, what are you up to?
  • Charles: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's not my fault.
  • Pirate Captain: What do you mean "not your fault"? You steal Polly, you shoot my best hat full of holes.
  • [the elevator stops, then the arrow points to up, then the doors open, then they all walk out of the elevator, closing the door, looking at a cage]
  • Pirate Captain: Well, go on, then. Explain yourself.
  • Charles: There's this girl. I'm hopelessly smitten with her.
  • Pirate Captain: I'm listening.
  • Charles: I know how partial she is to exotic animals, and I thought if I could get her the do-do, then she might like me. I'm so ashamed. [sobbing]
  • Pirate Captain: Why didn't you say so? We've all done stupid things to impress girls. Yeah, you should act aloof. They love it when you act aloof. Still, must be quite a girl for you to go to all that trouble.
  • Victoria: [off screen] She is quite a girl. [presses a button]
  • Pirate Captain: Kraken's biscuits!
  • Victoria: Mr. Darwin.
  • Pirate Captain: [points to Charles and Victoria] Honestly, Charles.
  • Charles: It's the bun. The bun really does it for me.
  • Victoria: And I see you've brought a friend. How delightful.
  • Charles: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...
  • Victoria: Oh, get a grip, man. You couldn't manage one tiny task, could you? It's pathetic. [presses a button]
  • [the vase falls down, then Victoria presses a button again, then the knight falls down, pressing the buttons multiple times, opening doors, then Mr. Bobo jumps on Charles, falling down, then sliding down into garbage, grabbing a note, taking a banana off his head, then putting the floor back up]
  • Victoria: Listen, Captain, I can see I've gone about this all wrong. You see, I might have the body of a weak and feeble woman... [presses a button] ...but I have the heart and soul of a person who really, really wants that dodo. I seem to recall that you piratical types have a bit of a soft spot for shiny things.
  • [they both look at the gold, then Pirate Captain takes the sunglasses, putting it on, then they look at the gold]
  • Victoria: I seem to recall that you piratical types have a bit of a soft spot for shiny things. Or am I getting you muddled up with magpies?
  • Pirate Captain: I couldn't. I mean, Polly, she's a family...
  • Victoria: Come now, Captain, it's so simple. Polly could live like a queen at my petting zoo, and you, well, with treasure like this, you could be famed across the seven seas.
  • Pirate with Scarf: Captain. Polly's not for sale.
  • Black Bellamy: [laughing] You? Win Pirate of the Year?
  • Pirate with Gout: You're a shoo-in, sir. There's not a pirate on the seven seas can match you.
  • Albino Pirate: But what about winning Pirate of the Year and showing all those other captains that you're not a loser? [echoing] Loser, loser. Whee! I'm a floating head.
  • Victoria: So, Captain. Are you going to do the right thing?
  • [cut to the dining table, with the music of "Sailing Out On the Ocean" by Haskel Wolfenbarger playing]
  • Pirate with Gout: "20 minutes," he said. Didn't he say 20 minutes?
  • Pirate with Scarf: Don't worry, lads. He probably just got caught up, you know, battling a giant squid or something.
  • [the men sigh, then the sign falls down, then they all look at Pirate Captain]
  • Pirate Captain: Well, come on, you lubbers!
  • Albino Pirate: It's him!
  • Pirate with Gout: I told you! I... I told you he wouldn't let us down.
  • Pirate Captain: Hello, boys.
  • [the men look at Pirate Captain]
  • Pirate Captain: Miss me?
  • Albino Pirate: I'm having a marriage.
  • Pirate with Scarf: But, how?
  • Pirate Captain: Good question, Number Two. I stole it all in a daring raid on the Tower of London.
  • Pirate with Scarf: You stole all this from the Tower of London?
  • Pirate Captain: That's right. Then I burnt it to the ground, wrestled a bear, and I kissed a princess for good measure. Well, what are you waiting for? Don't just stand there like porpoises. There's a trophy with our names on it!
  • [they all cheer]
  • Pirate Captain: Set a course for Blood Island!
  • [the fireworks pop up]
  • Announcer: Avast, me hearties! And welcome to the 59th annual, Pirate of the Year Awards!
  • [the people continue dancing, then Pirate Captain shoots the people, blowing smoke from guns, then they all cheer, then sitting down]
  • Pirate Captain: This is the ticket, eh, Number Two?
  • Albino Pirate: Please, please, please, can't Polly come out now?
  • Pirate Captain: Best not. She's still very tired.
  • Announcer: And here is your host for the evening, The Pirate King!
  • [the clam opens, then Pirate King appears]
  • Pirate King: Hello, Pirates!
  • Pirate Captain: Hello, Pirate King!
  • Pirate King: And lubbers tonight?
  • [they all cheer, then Pirate King blows a balloon, popping it up]
  • Puppeteer: I'm Queen Victoria! And I hate pirates!
  • [Pirate King punches the puppeteer, then they all applaud]
  • Pirate Captain: Come on, cheer up.
  • Pirate King: And now, you swabs, this is the big one. The nominees for Pirate of the Year are as follows: Black Bellamy. Cutlass Liz. Peg-Leg Hastings. And a surprise late entry, the Pirate Captain!
  • [they all applaud]
  • Pirate King: The panel of independent judges have counted each pirate's booty and declared that this year's winner is the Pirate Captain!
  • [the spotlight shines on Pirate Captain, then Cutlass Liz puts a sword in the man, walking up to the stage, looking at a trophy, walking to it]
  • Black Bellamy: Excuse me! Excuse me. Listen, this is all very moving. I'm welling up here, but...
  • Pirate King: Bellamy, this is most irregular!
  • Black Bellamy: [takes a map] So is this!
  • [they all groan, then Black Bellamy takes a newspaper, then they all groan]
  • Black Bellamy: It seems Queen Victoria has pardoned the Pirate Captain.
  • Man: No!
  • Pirate Captain: So what if she did?
  • Black Bellamy: If you've been pardoned then, technically, you're a no longer pirate. And if you're no longer a pirate, you really can't be Pirate of the Year, now, can you?
  • Man: No, you can't!
  • Woman: That's right!
  • Pirate King: Is this true?
  • Pirate Captain: Well, that's one, frankly, rather negative way of looking at it.
  • Pirate King: Villainous treachery! Treacherous villainy! You have betrayed the pirating fraternity.
  • Pirate Captain: But, Pirate King.
  • Pirate King: Your pirate hat and coat!
  • [they look at the people, taking the coat to Pirate King, then taking a necklace to Pirate King, then taking the hat off]
  • Pirate King: Your pirate badge with googly eyes.
  • [Pirate Captain takes a badge]
  • Pirate King: And your World of Hooks discount card. Confiscate his treasure! Every last bit of it. Begone! May your lubber shame bear down upon you. You are hereby banished from Blood Island! You are a pirate no more!
  • [the thunder cracks, then Pirate King throws Pirate Captain out]
  • Man: And stay out! [closing the door]
  • Pirate King: Yes, well, not a... Not a total success.
  • Pirate with Gout: We don't need them and their stupid awards.
  • Albino Pirate: The best thing about being a pirate isn't the treasure.
  • Pirate with Gout: It's the cutlasses.
  • Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate: It's Ham Night.
  • Albino Pirate: It's Polly.
  • Pirate with Scarf: Where is Polly, Captain?
  • Pirate Captain: What do you mean? You know where she is. She's been upset enough.
  • Pirate with Scarf: Captain...
  • Pirate Captain: Oh, okay. Okay. [takes a chicken out]
  • [they all gasp]
  • Pirate Captain: I sold her to Queen Victoria for a boatload of treasure. There, I've said it.
  • [the balloon deflates, falling down]
  • Pirate Captain: Well, come on. She was just a parrot. I mean, she wasn't even a parrot. Always weeing in the boat's carpets, biting everyone. She gave half of us tetanus, for goodness sake.
  • Albino Pirate: But she was our Polly.
  • Pirate Captain: Well, you know, you should be happy for her. She'll be, she'll be living the high life. Eating gold bricks wrapped up in, you know, swans.
  • [they all walk down]
  • Pirate Captain: Well, where are you swabs going? Come on. Well, we'll have an adventure somewhere tropical with those native ladies whose outfits don't leave much to the imagination. Looks like it's just you and me now, eh, Number Two? Good old inseparable you and me. Us two against the world, eh? Yeah? Like serrano ham and, you know, that other kind of ham. Arr.
  • Pirate with Scarf: You can't always just say "arrr" at the end of a sentence and think that makes everything all right. [takes a sock to Pirate Captain, walking away]
  • Pirate Captain: Fine. Fine, go on, then. Go. Go! It's not like I need any of you, anyway. See if I care.
  • [the music begins "I'm Not Crying" by Flight of the Conchords playing, pouring rain]
  • Pirate Captain: See if I care.
  • [Pirate Captain leaves London, then Pirate with Scarf looks at the picture frame with Pirate Captain, Pirate with Scarf, and Polly, then they sit by the fire, putting the hat on the man, then Pirate Captain knits it up, with the people walking in town, looking up, then pushing a cart, looking at a sign with Pirate Captain and Polly, saying, "THE ROYAL SOCIETY SCIENTIST OF THE YEAR 1837", tearing the paper, blown by the wind, leaving Polly on the sign, looking at it, saying, "SOCIETY OF THE YEAR 1837", putting the cart down, kicking it, looking around, falling down, hiding in a bush, cutting the lock, opening it, looking around]
  • Charles: [off screen] You're too late.
  • [Pirate Captain looks around]
  • Charles: She's gone.
  • Pirate Captain: Charles? Is that you?
  • Charles: We're tramps now. It's not unlike being a scientist, but with less experiments and more drinking your own sweat.
  • Pirate Captain: But where's Polly? Why isn't she in her cage?
  • Charles: Oh, it's too horrible.
  • Pirate Captain: "Banquet for world leaders"?
  • Charles: I've been a fool for love. Victoria wanted Polly for her petting zoo.
  • Pirate Captain: "Terrine of Tiger, Black Rhino Ragout, Panda Face Fritters"?
  • Charles: I've discovered the Queen is a member of a terrible secret dining society. Kings, queens, emperors from around the world, they meet on her flagship, the QV1, to eat the rarest and most endangered creatures they can find. This year, the highlight is "Dodo a l'Orange"?
  • Pirate Captain: She's going to eat Polly?
  • Charles: It's all my fault. I'm an awful human being. I'll never get a girlfriend.
  • Pirate Captain: [slaps Charles] Now pull yourself together, man.
  • Charles: Ow!
  • Pirate Captain: Now listen, Charles, we've all done something unforgivable. I've betrayed my pirate honor, you've betrayed science, and Mr. Bobo's betrayed the animal kingdom.
  • [Mr. Bobo shows a card, saying, "?!!"]
  • Pirate Captain: We've got to rescue her.
  • Charles: Us? Against the crowned heads of the world on an impregnable warship? It's impossible odds!
  • Pirate Captain: It's only impossible if you stop to think about it. Come on, we didn't evolve from slugs just to sit here drinking our own sweat, now, did we? Are you with us, Mr. Bobo? [looks at the cards, noticing that Mr. Bobo isn't there] "Are you out of your..." Oh, I say. Well, pah! We can do without the monkey-man.
  • Charles: Sorry, what was that about slugs?
  • Pirate Captain: No time for that now. Come on.
  • [they both walk to London, with the music of "Ranking Full Stop" by The English Beat playing]
  • Pirate Captain: Prepare to be boarded, nerds.
  • [they both ride in a zeppelin]
  • Charles: It's true! You can see down ladies' tops.
  • Pirate Captain: Keep pedaling, Charles.
  • [Mr. Bobo takes out a gun, with a card, saying "STICK 'EM UP!"]
  • Man: Help!
  • [Mr. Bobo takes his forks out, tossing out balloons, pouring rain, then they continue flying, then they shiver, then the seagull lands on Charles, blowing the zeppelin, then kicking the zeppelin]
  • Pirate Captain: Neptune's nostrils. Not a thing. Where the devil can she be?
  • Charles: Captain?
  • [they both look at a Victoria ship, then they scream, spinning the zeppelin around]
  • Pirate Captain: Pedal faster, Chuck!
  • [the zeppelin continues flying around, flying in a smoke]
  • Charles: But how on earth do we get on board?
  • Pirate Captain: This might sting a bit.
  • Charles: I really don't... [falls down]
  • Pirate Captain: Can't hold of something! Good man.
  • [the zeppelin falls down]
  • Man: How do you like my pygmy elephant nuggets, Your Majesty?
  • Victoria: They're good, but not quite rare enough for my tastes.
  • Man: Not rare enough? Only three have been seen in the last 50 years.
  • Victoria: As many as three? Well, well. Just wait until you see what I've got for the main course. Gaston? Gaston? Are you there?
  • Gaston: Oui, Your Majesty.
  • Victoria: Gaston, I think we're ready.
  • Pirate Captain: Neptune's teeth. There's not a moment to lose. We've got to find that kitchen.
  • Charles: But it's hopeless. Where do we even start to...
  • Guard 1: So thats why I reckon, in a straight fight, a shark would probably beat a Dracula.
  • Guard 2: No!
  • Guard 1: Course, a Frankenstein versus a jellyfish well, that's a different matter.
  • Pirate Captain: [gets out of a pipe] All clear, Chuck.
  • [they hear a horn blowing, then Charles falls in the kitchen]
  • Pirate Captain: Chuck?
  • [Charles continues falling down]
  • Pirate Captain: It's all right, Charles, I'm coming!
  • Charles: Don't worry, I'll just...
  • Pirate Captain: Charles? Just... Just hang on! [walks to a door with a sign, saying, "POULTRY ROOM"] Charles?
  • [Charles opens the door, dressed up as a chicken]
  • Pirate Captain: Poseidon's lips! Are you all right, Charles?
  • [they both tug with the plunger]
  • Guard 1: Hey, you there! What are you doing here?
  • Pirate Captain: Well, now. Excellent question.
  • Guard 1: All exotic animals should have been delivered to the chef by now.
  • Pirate Captain: What?
  • Guard 1: What is it? Some sort of duck?
  • Pirate Captain: Oh, yes, yes. That's it, yes. [kicks Charles]
  • Charles: [muffled] Quack, quack.
  • Guard 1: Hurry up, then. Kitchen's that way.
  • Pirate Captain: Yeah, come away! Go on.
  • Charles: [muffled] Quack, quack.
  • Gaston: Here we go, my pretty... [opens the door] It's time to be... [opens the cage] ...dlicieux! [takes Polly] Mon dieu!
  • Pirate Captain: [knocks Gaston] Polly, come to Daddy. [grabs Polly] I'm sorry, old girl. I will never, ever leave you again. I promise. I will never leave you.
  • Charles: [takes the plunger off his mouth] Perhaps we'd best make a move.
  • Pirate Captain: Yes, yes, yes, of course. Back to the balloon.
  • Victoria: Gaston? Gaston? Hello?
  • Charles: Captain. No.
  • Pirate Captain: [clears throat] Hello, Your Majesty. The dodo is coming out de suite.
  • Charles: This really isn't wise.
  • Pirate Captain: Claudette est dans la bibliotheque. Please I think we... But you know, Your Majesty, you cannot hurry the cooking. Is a very delicate recipe, uh? And the dodo is a very fattening dish. Perhaps is not so good for you. And, you know, the calories, they will go straight to your chubby thighs.
  • Charles: Captain.
  • Pirate Captain: A minute on the lips is a lifetime on the... Zut alors!
  • Victoria: Well, well. Pirate Captain. Here you are again. And... Oh, my. Is that Mr. Darwin behind those feathers?
  • Charles: Hello.
  • Victoria: What a delightfully unexpected surprise. You know, I think, secretly, I've always loved you, Charles.
  • Charles: Gosh. Really?
  • Victoria: No! [slaps Charles] Give me my dodo! [slaps the cake]
  • Pirate Captain: Now, come on, Vickie, be sensible. It's just you, a tiny queen, against me, a dashing terror of the high seas. [takes a pan] En garde!
  • Victoria: Oh, dear! Poor defenseless me. [throws a pan to Charles] What is a girl to do? [makes her pants]
  • Pirate Captain: Now, steady on.
  • [Victoria fights some swords]
  • Pirate Captain: Now careful.
  • Victoria: Do you know why I really hate pirates?
  • Pirate Captain: Childhood trauma, was it? Bitten by a pirate when you were a baby?
  • [the pan hits Charles again]
  • Pirate Captain: Beard envy?
  • Victoria: It's because you're out-of-date. You're dinosaurs! All that "romance of the seas" guff!
  • [Pirate Captain takes a spatula throwing to Charles, laying down, then Victoria runs to Pirate Captain, holding swords]
  • Victoria: Right, where were we? Look at you. You should be extinct. [chops ham at Pirate Captain, fighting Pirate Captain, jumping on the table] Along with your little friend! [bents the knife]
  • [Pirate Captain throws the dining top at Victoria, slipping it, falling down, then Pirate Captain falls down, then Victoria growls, shaking the top, hitting Pirate Captain, grabbing Polly]
  • Victoria: Pity you can't eat pirates, really.
  • [Pirate Captain hits the wall]
  • Victoria: But you'd probably taste of barnacles. Whereas, dear little Polly here is going to be absolutely delicious!
  • [Mr. Bobo saves Polly]
  • Pirate Captain: Mr. Bobo?
  • Victoria: Give me back my dinner!
  • Pirate with Scarf: Captain, catch!
  • Pirate Captain: Number Two! [cuts the sausages]
  • [Victoria puts the knife]
  • Pirate Captain: Sorry, Vickie. Dodo is off the menu. [cuts the rope]
  • Victoria: [looks around] No, no, stop!
  • [the barrels roll by Victoria]
  • Victoria: Stop! [looks down, then the barrel hits Victoria in the vent] Stop! I'm being squashed by giant barrels of vinegar!
  • [Charles closes the door, then the barrel hits Charles]
  • Pirate Captain: Good work, Chuck. Number Two, what are you doing here? How did you find me? Where are the lads?
  • Pirate with Scarf: Don't worry, they're on the case.
  • [they throw cakes at the men]
  • Pirate with Scarf: It's all thanks to Mr. Bobo here. He rowed halfway across the ocean to tell us what you were up to. And, you know, I figured you tend to end up wrapped in sausages facing certain death at about this point in an adventure.
  • Pirate Captain: Yes. Yeah. Yes. Listen, Number Two, I... I realize I let you down.
  • [they all walk in]
  • Surprising Curvaceous Pirate: [off screen] Sorry.
  • Pirate Captain: I let everybody down. You know, I've... Well, I've done some pretty appalling things in my piratical career. Like the time I used babies as squid bait. Or that other time I thought it would be okay to let a turtle drive the boat. But the ting is... I mean, what I'm trying to say is...
  • Pirate with Scarf: You decided to single-handedly take on Queen Victoria's flagship, in order to rescue Polly.
  • Pirate Captain: Yes, I'm afraid I did.
  • [Mr. Bobo takes the chocolate]
  • Pirate with Scarf: That's terrifically idiotic.
  • Pirate Captain: Yes.
  • Pirate with Scarf: It's also the reason why me and lads, well, we still think you're the best pirate on the seven sea...
  • [the nails take out the door, then Mr. Bobo shows the cards, saying, "UH OH!", the dough comes out of the door, then Victoria appears]
  • Pirate Captain: Gadzooks!
  • [Victoria grabs Polly]
  • Pirate Captain: No!
  • [the dough slides to the guards, flying up, taking nails out, running away, taking out the windows, then the boat continues sinking]
  • Pirate Captain: Polly!
  • [Queen Victoria continues taking Polly away]
  • Pirate Captain: Oh, no, you don't.
  • Pirate with Scarf: Captain?
  • Victoria: [throws Polly in the zeppelin, then Pirate Captain runs to Victoria, getting in the zeppelin, then he continues running at Victoria] Kiss your beaky little friend goodbye.
  • [Pirate Captain tries to grab the rope, jumping on it, shaking his hands, grabbing it, then Victoria looks at Pirate Captain climbing up, laughing]
  • Victoria: That's it, Polly. Snip-snip. Come on, little dodo. Bitey-bite.
  • Albino: The dumpy lady's got Polly!
  • Victoria: Snip-Snip. Bite it! Bite it, you stupid bird! Bite it!
  • [Polly pecks Victoria]
  • Victoria: No!
  • [the zeppelin rips it up, screaming]
  • Pirate Captain: My dodo!
  • Pirate with Scarf: Polly!
  • Victoria: My dinner!
  • [Polly continues falling closer to the blade, then Pirate Captain saves Polly, then Victoria grabs the torn part, then the rope starts to break, looking down at the blade]
  • Pirate Captain: Barnacles.
  • [the rope breaks, falling closer to the blade, then they all save him]
  • Pirate with Scarf: Well done, sir.
  • Man: Hey!
  • Albino Pirate: Wah-hey, Captain!
  • Pirate with Gout: Fair play to you, sir.
  • Pirate who Likes Sunsets and Kittens: Wah-hey!
  • [Pirate Captain hugs Polly]
  • Pirate with Gout: This is our most unexpectedly heartwarming adventure ever.
  • Victoria: You'll swing for this! Curse you! And after you've done swinging, I'll chop your head off! I'll put it in a cannon and fire it into the sun!
  • Pirate with Scarf: Does that mean he's not pardoned anymore?
  • Victoria: "Pardoned"? [lets go of the torn part, flying away] You'll be outlawed across the globe! There'll be a higher price on your head than any pirate before you! The whole world will know your name!
  • [they all cheer]
  • Pirate with Scarf: Welcome back, Captain.
  • [Pirate Captain takes a hat, hugging Pirate with Scarf, then Mr. Bobo shows the cards, saying, "HIP HIP HOORAY!", then Pirate Captain puts the hat on, then the music begins "You Can Get it if You Really Want" by Desmond Dekker playing]
  • Albino Pirate: See ya!
  • Pirate with Gout: Bye!
  • [the animals wave to the pirates, then the boat sinks in the water, with the zeppelin flying away]
  • Pirate Captain: Well, it's been a pleasure, Charles. Good luck with the science.
  • Charles: Thank you, Captain.
  • Pirate Captain: Oh, and just a little tip, grow yourself a beard. It'll make your face look less lumpy.
  • [Victoria tries to fall down by animals, then Polly sits down, then they both look at a poster, saying, "WANTED THE PIRATE CAPTAIN REWARD 100,000 DOUBLOONS BY ORDER OF QUEEN VICTORIA"]
  • Pirate with Scarf: A hundred thousand doubloons? Not bad, eh, Mr. Bobo?
  • [Mr. Bobo shows the card, saying, "ARRR!", then the clam flies down, then Pirate King appears, grabbing the trophy, then they laugh, then Albino Pirate takes a trophy to Pirate Captain]
  • Pirate Captain: That... I... Is this bit of squid tentacle?
  • Albino Pirate: Yeah. And that's my earwax.
  • Pirate with Scarf: I keep telling you, it's never been about the trophies or the treasure. It's about who you are, inside.
  • Pirate Captain: I say, you're not... Not a woman disguised as a man, are you, Number Two?
  • Pirate with Scarf: No.
  • Pirate Captain: Because that does happen surprisingly often at sea.
  • [Charles looks around, gasping, looking at the people dancing, throwing the magnifying glass away, taking flowers]
  • Pirate Captain: Well, come on, you coves. Those treasure chests won't plunder themselves. Hoist the flag!
  • All: Aye, aye, captain!
  • [last lines]
  • Pirate Captain: Set a course for adventure!
  • [they all sail down, then the whale eats the ship]
  • Pirate Captain: You see? I told you. Didn't I tell you? Just added a decoration, my foot.
  • [the whale burps, spitting out the ship]
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