Flushed Away/Transcript

• [first lines]
• Mother: Car's here!
• Father: It's 9:00 already! We're going to miss our flight!
• Mother: Traveller's checks...
• Father: You have the tickets, darling?
• Mother: Tabitha, did you feed Roddy?
• Tabitha: Oops.
• Mother: I just know we've forgotten something.
• Tabitha: Roddy, where are you? [opens a door] We'll be back in a few days, so here's enough food for you. Here's a little more.
• Mother: Tabitha!
• Tabitha: Here's a little more.
• Mother: I hope you're not overfeeding him.
• Tabitha: Of course not, Mum.
• Father: Come on, Tabitha!
• Tabitha: Bye, Roddy. [closes the door]
• Father: We don't want to miss our holiday.
• Tabitha: I'm coming, I'm coming! [closing the door]
• Roddy: [sniffing, sliding down, opening the door] When the cat's away, the mice will play! The holiday starts now, everyone! Music, maestro! [presses the play button]
• [the music begins "Dancing with Myself" by Billy Idol with Generation X playing, grabbing a leg, playing like a guitar]
• Roddy: Hey, what are you all standing around for? I got a big day planned! Let's go, people! Chop-chop! [selecting clothes] Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Hmm. [selecting his shirt back and forth] Mmm. [sits in the car, sitting on a jack, taking his jack out, throwing away] Buckle up, everyone.
• [the car drives backward, with a woman falling off, driving forward and backward, driving down, with a woman falling off]
• Roddy: [the golf club pulls a pea] Fore!
• [the golf club hits the heads, hotting the peas]
• Roddy: [looking at the people with no heads] Oops. Sorry. [vacuums the peas up, whistling, checking off golf] Game point. Service! [throws a beach ball at the man, laying down] We win! We win, team! We win! [claps the action figure, knocking it down, growling, checking off beach, then putting a shirt on, then putting a shoe on, stretching his tie, sliding through a spine cover of movies, selecting Die Again Tomorrow] Perfect. [walks towards the disc, shooting at the disc, putting in the DVD player, taking the target out, pressing the buttons on the microwave, popping some popcorn, then the car stops, then they watch Die Again Tomorrow] Having a good time, darling? [puts a popcorn in his mouth, tries to get out popcorn out, grabbing the arm from an action figure, spitting it out] Oh, thank you. [throws the arm away, throwing the action figure] See you tomorrow. [drives backwards, going in the house, brushing his teeth, laying down] Good night! [echoing] Good night! Good night! Good night! Good night! Yeah, well. Good night then, Roddy. [continues sleeping, hearing a rumble, gasping] What was that? [looking around] Who's there? Wake up. I think there's someone in the house. Sarge, wake up! [opens the door]
• Action Figure: Approaching enemy lines.
• [Roddy hears a rumble]
• Action Figure: I'm armed and ready.
• Roddy: At ease, soldier. [puts an action figure down, turning on the light]
• Action Figure: Give up your weapons of mass destruction.
• Roddy: Shh! Shush!
• Action Figure: Come and get me, enemy of freedom!
• Roddy: Stop it. That's enough! Shush!
• Action Figure: Tell Mom I love her.
• Roddy: [takes a battery out, hearing a rumble, climbing up, looking around, hearing a gurgle] What?
• Sid: [jumps out of a sink] Yee-ha!
• Roddy: [continues looking around, falling down, looking at the chocolate monster, gasping] Oh.
• [Sid comes out of the chocolate cake, then Roddy turns the flashlight on and off, with the head falling down, screaming, then Sid appears, burping at Roddy]
• Sid: Whoa! [eats cake] Haa! They do not, repeat, not, have the food like this in the sewer.
• Roddy: A sewer rat! Who... What... How did you get here?
• Sid: I don't know. One minute I'm in the pub. Never thing you know, whoosh! It's a burst water main! Off I go, shooting up the pipes. And, well, here I am.
• Roddy: I have a plunger. We can shoot you right back.
• Sid: [eats the fish] Do you like seafood?
• Roddy: Can I call you a cab?
• Sid: See food! Get it? [laughing] Have you got a TV?
• Roddy: Well, yes, but...
• Sid: Say no more!
• Roddy: No. Leave that.
• Sid: Geronimo!
• Roddy: No, no, no don't touch anything.
• Sid: Would you look at the size of that monster?!
• [Roddy runs down, taking a deep breath of his paper bag]
• Sid: Careful, mate. Those aren't chocolate buttons. [laughing]
• Roddy: Hey!
• [Sid turns on the TV]
• Football Commentator: It's the match of the century!
• Sid: They got final!
• Football Commentator: The FIFA World Cup Final!
• [Sid gasps]
• Football Commentator: England.
• Sid: Yes!
• Football Commentator: Germany.
• Sid: [throws hot dog at the TV] Boo!
• Football Commentator: Live this Sunday. Be there.
• Sid: This place is great! I'm staying here forever!
• [the hot dog lands on Roddy]
• Roddy: What? [thinks of Sid playing ball]
• Sid: Game point. Service! [throws beach ball at Roddy] We win, we win! You lose! In your face! [claps Roddy, growling]
• [cut back to Roddy, turning off the TV]
• Sid: Huh?
• Roddy: Right, my friend. You don't belong here. I'm afraid it's time for you to leave. [taps his toe]
• Sid: I would not do that if I was you, pal. Let me lay this out for you. This place is mine now. Sid says, "Jump," you say, "How high?" Hey! Comprende?
• [Roddy gasps]
• Sid: Fetch us some Pop-Tarts from the kitchen, Jeeves. Oh, and be snappy about it.
• Roddy: Um. Yes, sir. Right away, sir.
• Sid: That's more like it.
• Roddy: But before breakfast is served, perhaps sir would care to take a whirl in the Jacuzzi.
• Sid: A Jacuzzi?
• Roddy: Hmm.
• Sid: [takes Sid to the bathroom] Yo know what you are, you're a real gent.
• Roddy: Well, after a hot day of navigating sewer pipes, there's nothing better than relaxing in a Jacuzzi whirlpool bath.
• Sid: That looks so inviting.
• Roddy: Yes, yes. The water looks perfect! Now you hop in, and I'll press this lever lever to get the bubbles going.
• Sid: Right. In we go! [tries to jump in the toilet] Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I know we got off on the wrong foot before, but I think we're gonna get along, don't you?
• Roddy: Swimmingly.
• Sid: [to Roddy] Be seeing you, my friend. [pushes Roddy in a toilet] You plonker! You think I don't know a toilet when I see one? You were going to flush me down the loo.
• Roddy: No, no, no! It's a big Jacuzzi! Deluxe model!
• Sid: Then you won't mind if I get the bubbles going, will you?
• Roddy: No! Not the lever! Have mercy! No, I can't swim!
• Sid: Bomb voyage, me old cream cracker! [flushes Roddy] Hold your nose!
• Roddy: You can't do this!
• Sid: You were going to try to flush me. Let's see how you like it.
• [the music begins "Are You Gonna Be My Girl?" by Jet playing, swimming the pipe, hitting the pipe, falling in the water, sliding down, grabbing the toilet paper, then the goldfish appears by Roddy]
• Goldfish: Have you seen my dad?
• Roddy: [throws the goldfish, falling in the water, screaming, drowning, dodging the teeth, swimming up, grabbing a chocolate bar, trying to swim backwards] Oh! No! No! [hits a sewer, falling in a water] Oh, no, I can't swim! I can't swim! I can't... [gets up] ...swim. [looks around] I'm in the sewer! No! [runs to the ledge, looking at a slug, then they scream, getting up, looking around] Hello? [echoing] Hello? Hello? Help? [echoing] Help? Help? I'm gonna open my eyes and be home. This is all a bad dream. Oh, I'm not home! I wanna go home! Shush! Stop it. Stop it. Roddy! I want to go home! Pull yourself together! I can't. I'm frightened. Stop it, stop it, stop it! All right, Roddy, old man, you can get yourself out of here, and you will. Never forget, the blood of the courageous. St. James clan flows through your veins. [looks at the slugs, then they all scream, looking at a slug on his back, screaming, running away, hearing a horn, hearing a slug screaming]
• Man: Extra! Extra! Read all about it!
• Roddy: [looking at a sewer door, saying, "LONDON WATER BOARD"] A way out! Yes! [runs to the sewer door, spinning around, falling down to the city picture from ground, zooming out, saying, "LONDON FROM THE SKY BY RODINT"]
• Artist: Hey! That-a took me three years to draw!
• Roddy: I'm terribly sorry. Three years?
• Artist: I just-a finished it this morning!
• Roddy: Three years? [looks at a city] Goof grief! What is this place?
• Man: Hold the bus!
• Woman: Feed the flies! Tuppence a bag!
• Roddy: [looks at the people] It's a real city! Ah!
• [the teacup carries Roddy, spinning around]
• Woman: My smalls!
• Man: Is it a bird?
• Woman: Is it a plane?
• Man: Is that guy wearing my underpants?
• Woman: [to Tex] Make him move, honey.
• Tex: Boy, you got a face like a frying pan!
• Woman: [to Tex] Come on, honey!
• Tex: I don't think he speaks English. Hey, he moved! Did you get it?
• Woman: [takes a picture] Got it.
• Tex: Good.
• Roddy: Sorry, sorry. [bumps Harold]
• Harold: It's coming!
• Roddy: What? Where? Who?
• Harold: The Great Flood! Those floodgates won't hold forever, you know! We're doomed! You think you can back away from the truth!
• Collin: Ello, hello, hello. What's all this then?
• Roddy: Oh, thank heavens! A policeman! This wacko has been chasing after me!
• Collin: 'Morning, Harold.
• Harold: 'Morning, Collin. How are you?
• Collin: Can't complain.
• Harold: Keep an eye on this one. He's a bot of a loony.
• Roddy: What? Me?
• Harold: We're doomed!
• Roddy: What? Me? Are you kidding me?
• Collin: Right. Let's give us a police escort home.
• Roddy: Oh, great! Uh, I live in Kensington. Up there. The surface.
• Collin: Up Top? Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. The humans don't like our sort.
• Roddy: Speak for yourself. They like me very much up there.
• Collin: Oh, I don't like you attitude. I've got my eye on you, sunshine.
• Roddy: Ooh! Ooh, hot, hot, hot!
• Pegleg: So, you're trying to get Up Top, me hearty?
• Roddy: Yes. [sizzles his hands]
• Pegleg: There's one person 'round here might be able to help you. Might.
• Roddy: Really?
• Pegleg: Shady customer. [puts fries on Roddy's hand] The captain of the Jammy Dodger. If you can find it.
• Goldfish: I know where it is!
• [Roddy walks out, looking around]
• Pegleg: [on megaphone, holding a bottle] And remember, the name of the boat's the Jammy Dodger.
• Roddy: Uh, thanks for bringing me this far.
• Pegleg: [on megaphone] You're welcome!
• Goldfish: See ya!
• [Roddy walks down, looking at the slugs]
• Slug: Beware. Beware.
• Roddy: Hello? Uh, permission to come aboard? [looks at the boat] Ahoy there? Uh... [looks at the hand, moving up and down, walking to Roddy, moving around Roddy, grabbing Roddy] Ow! Yah! Oh! Oh! Sorry. I didn't mean to intrude, Mr. Captain, Skipper Thingy.
• Rita: Hey! That's Miss Captain Skipper Thingy to you.
• Roddy: Oops.
• Rita: What are you doing on my boat?
• Roddy: Look, I've had a really bad day and I just need your help. You see, I've been thrown out of my own home, flushed down my own toilet.
• Rita: Yeah, thank you, too much information. I've got my own problems.
• Man: She's around here somewhere!
• Rita: [presses a button] Stay down. And keep quiet.
• [the boat puts the sail down]
• Roddy: Why? Who are we hiding from?
• Rita: I said quiet! There's rats after me who'd like to kill me.
• Roddy: Well, I'll contain my amazement.
• [Rita groans]
• Roddy: All right, all right. Quiet as a mouse. [pushes a lever, then the horn blares at the sail, falling in the water, then the horn stops]
• Man: Over there!
• Rita: [to Roddy] You idiot!
• Roddy: Sorry about that. [chuckles] I'll be off then. Sorry. [falls down] Ah!
• [the horn falls down]
• Roddy: Sorry. Sorry. Sorry! [falls in the water]
• Man: We can't let her get away!
• Roddy: [gets out of the water] Shh. Shh.
• Rita: Come on, Jammy, me old mate, don't do this to me!
• [the boat bumps the Jammy boat, falling down, then Rita attacks the people, then Whitey grabs Roddy and Rita]
• Rita: Let me go, you pink-eyed freak! [kicks Whitey]
• Whitey: I'm upset now. [looks at Roddy]
• Roddy: Whatever's going on here, I assure you are not involved. [screaming] I'm an innocent bystander!
• Spike: [turns the light on] Rita! Rita! Rita![cackles at Roddy, Rita, and Whitey] You thought you could give us the slip. [slides down, falling in a boat] What are you looking at? Keep still! Come on, then! Right! Who have we got here?
• Whitey: I believe he said his name was Millicent Bystander.
• Spike: [snorting] Millicent!
• Roddy: Actually, no.
• Spike: Now, then, where's the Ruby, Rita?
• Whitey: The boss wants it back.
• Rita: I don't have your stupid ruby.
• Spike: Okay, are we going to do this the easy way, or the hard way?
• Whitey: Oh, I think we should do it the easy way, don't you, Spike?
• Spike: Oh.
• Rita: [sighs] All right. Check the tin.
• Spike: Good girl. See, Whitey, this is how I do it. Watch and learn, my son. Watch and...
• [the can flies Spike up, falling in the can]
• Whitey: Was it in there?
• Spike: Right! Rip it up, lads!
• Rita: Hey, you get your fluffy paws off my stuff!
• [they both laugh]
• Spike: It's in here somewhere. I can feel it in me guts! That'll be last night's curry.
• Whitey: I'm the same. I got a bum like the Japanese flag.
• Roddy: Will you please tell these people I'm not involved in this?
• Rita: Fine. All right, all right, listen up. This gentleman, he's not from around here. Thank you. Just look how nicely he's dressed.
• Roddy: Oh, thank you.
• Rita: And why? Because he's an international jewel thief!
• Roddy: Precisely. What? No, no!
• Rita: He stole the ruby from me! And if you just...
• Roddy: No! No, she's lying!
• Spike: All right, all right! It's time to bring out the Persuader.
• [the nutcracker eats a nut, then they all gasp]
• Spike: Your choice, mate. You can talk now or you can talk later. Ain't that right, Persuader? Yeah, in a much higher voice!
• Whitey: The Persuader's alive, Spike!
• Spike: You'll be singing like a tea kettle.
• Roddy: I don't even know her! I don't know anything about anything!
• Whitey: [grabs Rita] Careful, miss. You'll injure yourself.
• Roddy: I know where it is!
• Spike: Come on, then. Spit it out!
• Rita: Don't you dare!
• Roddy: Look at her bottom. Is it me, or is oddly shaped?
• Rita: You little snitch.
• Whitey: The booty's in the booty.
• Rita: Hey! [grunting, dropping the ruby]
• All: Oh!
• Spike: [grabs the ruby, laughing] Thanks, mate! The boss is gonna be so happy with us.
• Rita: You're toast.
• Whitey: So you're from Up Top, eh? I used to work in a laboratory Up Top. Yeah. Big shampoo job. I was dark grey when we started. Yeah. Still, it cleared up me dandruff. [chuckling]
• Football Commentator: The World Cup has become the most popular sporting event in the world.
• Spike: Are you there, boss? We're back. I've got it, boss. The ruby. I found it.
• Whitey: Well, technically, Spike, it was Millicent that found it.
• Roddy: Um, actually, here, the name's Roddy. Uh, in exchange for my assistance, I was hoping you might...
• [The Toad grabs the Fly-Lady by the tongue, turning off the TV]
• Roddy: You might help me out of the pickle I'm in. [yelling]
• The Toad: Hello, Rita.
• Rita: Hello, handsome.
• The Toad: And who is this? Is your boyfriend a waiter?
• Rita: Boyfriend?!
• Roddy: Waiter?!
• [Spike takes the ruby to The Toad]
• The Toad: The prize returns to me. Did you imagine that I'd let you steal it from me?
• Rita: What?! That jewel belongs to my father, and you know it!
• The Toad: Your father? A good-for-nothing scavenger, just like his daughter!
• Roddy: Uh, excuse me. Actually, I'm the one that found your ruby. So, you, um... Perhaps you'd be generous enough to repay the favor and help me get home.
• [Toad grabs the Fly-Lady]
• Fly-Lady: Help me!
• Toad: [eats the Fly-Lady] Dispose of them.
• Roddy: No, no, no, please! I just want to get home to Kensington!
• TToad: [gasping] Kensington? The Royal Borough? Up Top?
• Roddy: Uh, yes. Up Top.
• The Toad: Huzzah! A man of quality!
• Roddy: Finally, somebody gets it.
• Toad: Come, let me show you my private collection. [takes Roddy] I know you'll find it diverting.
• [Whitey and Spike open a curtain]
• Toad: [laughing] My shrine to beauty. Works of high art crafted in tribute to our beloved Royal Family. Victoria's bust, wrought in porcelain.
• Spike: Classy!
• Toad: Quite lifelike, wouldn't you say?
• Roddy: [laughing] It's as if she were here.
• Toad: [hugs the head] Mmm. Smooth to the touch.
• Roddy: Easy, tiger.
• Toad: [giggling] But come! Let us restore the heart and highlight of my collection, this ruby. Fallen from the very brow of ancient kings. A true crown jewel!
• [Spike turns on the light, playing Rule Britannia]
• Toad: Well, what do you think?
• Fly-Lady: He's a madman! Run away!
• Toad: Pardon me. My fly's undone.
• Roddy: [chuckling] Well, your ruby certainly is a biggie.
• Toad: Indeed. How did it ever find me, here in the underbelly of the world? In this dark, low place.
• Roddy: Yes. Speaking of which, I'd love to see more of your collection. It's very amusing, but I...
• The Toad: "Amusing"?
• [Whitey winces]
• Roddy: Uh, didn't you say I'd find it amusing?
• Toad: I said you'd find it diverting, not amusing!
• Roddy: Ah, well, when I said "amusing" I really meant in the sense of the ancient Greek muse, the goddess of inspiration. [grabs a bobble head] Muse.
• [the bobble head breaks, knocking the tower, knocking down like dominoes, touching the head, breaking apart]
• Rita: Smashing.
• [Roddy chuckles, then The Toad growls, inflating the head, then Whitey grabs Roddy]
• Roddy: Oh, heaven help me!
• Toad: Ice him! Ice him both! Let's see if there's anything good in the fridge. Former enemies, one and all. A catalogue of thieves, double-crossers and do-gooders. [cackling] Prepare to meet your maker. Your ice maker.
• Whitey: [chuckling] Makes me laugh every time, that one. Shut that door.
• [Ted pulls lever up, closing the door, then Ladykiller laughs]
• Roddy: Liquid nitrogen! That will freeze us instantly!
• Rita: There's a paper clip in my back pocket. See if you can get it.
• [Roddy walks down, yelping]
• Rita: In the pocket, in the pocket!
• [Toad looks at the pressure, then Ladykiller screws it up]
• Spike: Blimey, it's cold.
• Whitey: That's why I wore me mittens.
• Spike: Huh? Hit men don't wear mittens! Take them off! You're embarrassing me.
• Whitey: Well, it's all right for you. You've got little hands.
• Roddy: Got it! [takes a paper clip to Rita]
• Whitey: They don't get as cold.
• Spike: I ain't got little hands!
• Whitey: Yeah, you have. You got lady's hands.
• Spike: They might be small, but they're lethal weapons.
• Whitey: You got your mother's hands.
• [Roddy unlocks Rita]
• Rita: Right. Put your hands together.
• Roddy: [gives Rita a climb] You could have wiped your feet.
• Rita: Stop squirming!
• [the arrow points on red]
• Toad: Goodbye, vermin. [presses the button]
• [the ice puts in the cup, opening the door]
• Toad: Now, let me see the latest addition to my cubist collection.
• [the ice slides down, then Whitey and Spike are frozen]
• Toad: What?! Impossible!
• Rita: Oi! Kermit! The prize returns to me! [kisses the ruby] You big, fat, slimy airbag!
• Toad: [hits the ice cube] After them!
• [Spike and Whitey lay down]
• Roddy: Why are we stopping? Don't we have a plan?
• Rita: "We"? Who's "we"?
• Roddy: Wait, wait! You can't just leave me here!
• Toad: Faster, you idiots! They're escaping!
• [Whitey and Spike hit the pole, falling down, then they walk up, looking down]
• Roddy: Oh, God! Oh!
• [Rita pulls a master cable, turning off the power]
• Toad: No! Not the master cable!
• Roddy: We have a plan?
• Toad: Put that back!
• [Rita uses a master cable, looking at the city]
• Roddy: Wait, wait! That will never hold both of us.
• Rita: You're right. Toodle-oo.
• Roddy: No, no, wait!
• Spike: Freeze!
• Roddy: [grabs on Rita, sliding down on a zipline] Oh, no! No, no, no, don't break! There are things I want to do, sights I want to see! [takes the belt off of Rita] That wasn't on the list.
• Roddy: [screaming, looking at Roddy] Hey!
• [they both fall down to the pipe]
• Spike: Do something!
• [Whitey grabs Spike, grabbing on like a zipline, trying to slide down, unplugging the plug, then they fall down]
• Spike: Keep your legs straight when you hit the water!
• [they both keep the legs straight, then Whitey splashes in the water, then Spike falls down]
• Whitey: I kept me legs straight, Spike.
• [gets up, then the plug hits Spike]
• Spike: Ow!
• Roddy: Good grief, that's high. Quite high. Rather high. So very, very high.
• Rita: [plugs around the cable, like a belt] Yeah. Cool. See ya! [jumps down on a toilet paper, swinging around on a nail, standing a water faucet, running on a shower, grabbing the pipe, standing on a ledge, jumping down]
• Roddy: [looks at Rita, bowing, running away] Oh, if she can do it. Here goes. [slips on a toilet paper, holding on, ripping apart, falling on a water faucet, shower, boot, and hammer, falling down to the ground] And gently down. [gets up]
• [the soccer ball hits Roddy]
• Boy: My ball. It's my ball, it's mine.
• Roddy: Rita! Rita! [runs down, trying to look for Rita] Oh, where is she? Rita!
• Spike: Target at twelve o'clock!
• [Whitey looks at the time]
• Spike: Oh, come on!
• [Roddy dumps the can, then they look at the banana]
• Spike: Careful, Whitey. That's a banana skin.
• [they both sneak the banana skin]
• Roddy: [continues trying to look for her] Rita!
• Spike: Whew. Over there!
• [they both slip on the slugs, putting on vegetable costumes]
• Roddy: [looks at a boat]
• [the bridge rises up]
• Spike: You look pretty ridiculous now, Millicent.
• [the boat continues sailing, then Roddy falls in the boat]
• Whitey: Keep your legs straight!
• [Roddy falls in the boat, throwing the ruby up, flying in Roddy's neck, running to Roddy]
• Rita: What are you, some kind of a rat boomerang? Give me back my ruby!
• Roddy: I haven't got your ruby!
• [the ruby lands on Roddy's hand]
• Roddy: Okay. Well, now I've got your ruby.
• [Rita tries to get the ruby back]
• Roddy: Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.
• Rita: Please be careful. That ruby means a lot to me. It's priceless!
• Roddy: Hold on. It's a fake.
• Rita: [titters] No, it's blooming not. It's real!
• Roddy: No, no, no, look, it's just glass.
• Rita: It's real!
• Roddy: Fake.
• Rita: Real!
• Roddy: Fake.
• Rita: Real!
• Roddy: Fake.
• Rita: Real!
• Roddy: Fake.
• Rita: Real!
• Roddy: Fake.
• Rita: Real!
• Roddy: Fake.
• Rita: Real!
• Roddy: Look, look, look. You can tell. Watch this. [breaks the ruby]
• [Rita shrieks, then they look down, with pieces falling in the water]
• Roddy: There, you see? You can't break a real ruby.
• [Rita growls]
• Roddy: Right. I probably shouldn't have done that. But look on the bright side. I saved your neck. Once The Toad knows it's worthless, he'll stop chasing you for it. Roddy St. James saves the day.
• [Rita punches Roddy, falling down, then Rita gets down]
• Roddy: You try to do somebody a favor, and they...
• [the can hits Roddy]
• Rita: A favor? That ruby was from Queen Elizabeth's crown! It fell down the drain of Buckingham Palace!
• Roddy: Well, maybe the Queen wears fake jewelry.
• Rita: Keep still!
• Roddy: Can we just about this?
• Rita: Real or not, that ruby was going to change my life!
• Take Out: Han Chin Chinese takeout.
• Roddy: Yes, I'm being attacked by a madwoman! She's got crayons!
• Take Out: One chicken chow mein. With wonton?
• Roddy: No, crayons!
• Take Out: No wonton! You want rice? Fried or white?
• Roddy: Uh, fried. No, wait!
• Take Out: You want wonton or what?
• Roddy: Cancel that order. [presses a button, walking to Rita] Rita?
• Rita: Just go away, please.
• Roddy: Um, I'm sorry.
• Rita: [scoffs] Sorry? Me and my dad worked these drains for years. He broke every bone in his body to get that ruby. [sighs] It was going to be the answer to all our prayers. Now it turns out it was a stupid fake.
• Roddy: Well, maybe I can make it up to you.
• Rita: Get stuffed.
• Roddy: No, no, no. I mean it. Back at my place, we've got a jewelry box cammed with rubies and diamonds. So, all you have to do is get me home to Kensington, and I'll make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.
• Rita: How do I know this ain't just a load of old rubbish?
• Roddy: Well, I suppose you'll just have to trust me.
• Rita: I must be out of my mind. All right. You've got yourself a deal. [spits in her hand] Go on. You too.
• [Roddy growls]
• Rita: Your own hand.
• [Roddy spits in his hand, giving Rita, giving him a handshake, then cut to Toad]
• Toad: Where are those idiots? It's so hard to get good help these days, my boys. Yep, that's right. Oh, come on out, my lovelies. Cheer your little dad up. Poor Daddy, surrounded by filthy rats in this joyless, sunless void! But don't worry, little men. Daddy will get rid of them all! He will. They'll all be deady-weady. [kisses the glass]
• [Whitey and Spike walk to Toad]
• Toad: Did you find it?
• Both: Huh?
• Toad: Ah! Did you find it?
• Spike: Ah, well, we got most of it, boss.
• Toad: Forget the ruby! It's the master cable that I want. The one that Rita took.
• Both: Oh!
• Toad: Without it, my plan is ruined! [steps on a flipper]
• Spike: Okay, chief. Yeah. Forget the ruby. Ruby's gone. [falls down] See? See? Moving on. We are now your cable guys.
• Whitey: Focused. Cable-centric, boss.
• Toad: You need to be back in time for the World Cup Final.
• Spike: Oh! [jumping up] Great! Are we watching the game together, boss?
• Toad: [off screen] Just get the cable! [throws Spike and Whitey out the window]
• Whitey: [off screen] Keep your legs straight!
• [cut back to Rita and Roddy]
• Roddy: Are you sure we should be stopping with all these goons on our tail?
• Rita: We aren't gonna get far without a map, are we?
• Roddy: [off screen] Is that a house?
• Rita: Yes, and it's very dangerous. So...
• [Roddy falls down]
• Rita: ...why don't you wait here.
• Roddy: Waiting here. Excellent idea.
• Rita: Watch out for the piranha.
• [Roddy hugs the pole]
• Children: Rita!
• [Roddy hollers, falling down, getting up, looking at the window]
• Rita: Here you go, Annie. You, Shamus. Mimi, get your finger out of your nose. Jojo, no biting.
• Boy: That is wold good!
• All: Rita!
• [the boy flies in the wall]
• Girl: Ta-da! Rita's back!
• Rita's Mom: Rita!
• Rita: Mum! Oh, Mum.
• Rita's Mom: Thank goodness you're safe.
• Rita's Dad: Rita!
• Rita: Hello, Dad.
• Rita's Dad: Give us a hug, girl!
• [the house slides down, hitting him on Liam, and the girl, falling down]
• Liam: [to Roddy] Why, Mum, there's a peeping Tom outside!
• Rita's Grandma: Tom?! Oh, it's Tom Jones!
• Rita's Mom: Mother, it's not Tom Jones.
• Rita: That's just my passenger.
• Rita's Mom: He's very good-looking.
• Rita: He is not coming in.
• Rita's Mom: Soups on!
• Boy: It's lovely. Thanks, Mum.
• [Rita's Dad skates around, sliding the bowl, then Roddy tries to eat the soup]
• Rita's Sister 1: So how long have you been Rita's boyfriend.
• Rita: He's not my boyfriend.
• [Rita's Sister 1 sticks her tongue out]
• Rita's Dad: Are you gonna make an honest woman of my daughter?
• Rita: Dad!
• Roddy: We were sort of thinking of a spring wedding, weren't we, cream puff?
• Rita: [grabs a spoon] Look, I just want all of you to know he's...
• Rita's Grandma: Tom Jones!
• [Rita sighs]
• Liam: So your name is "Roddy," is that right?
• Roddy: Yes, that's right. Roddy St. James.
• Rita's Mom: What a beautiful name.
• Shocky: Hi, Roddy.
• Roddy: And who might be, little chap?
• Shocky: They call me Shocky.
• Roddy: And why do they call you that?
• Shocky: [shocks Roddy] Shocky!
• Roddy: Yes! Got it.
• Rita's Dad: Rita, where are you taking this handsome young man, then? [drinks his soup]
• Rita: Well, actually, that's why I need your maps, Dad. Because he's from... [clears throat] ...Up Top.
• Rita's Dad: [spits soup out] Kitchen. Now.
• Rita's Grandma: Sing us a song, Tom!
• Rita: I'm not saying it isn't risky.
• Rita's Dad: But it's impossible, Rita. Mo one's ever got past the rapids at Hyde Park.
• Rita: Dad, Dad, Dad! He's gonna pay us.
• Rita's Dad: For the first time, we don't need the money!
• [the floor breaks, then the stove falls down]
• Cockroach: A new stove might be nice.
• Roddy: [singing] Talkin' about the little lady!
• Rita's Grandma: [off screen] Go, Tom! Go! Sing to my heart!
• Roddy: [singing] She's a lady, talkin' about that old lady!
• [the underwear flies at Roddy]
• Roddy: [singing] And the lady wears big undies! Huge undies. Whoo!
• Liam: Psst! Rita! It's okay. It's me, Liam. Quick, in the kitchen.
• [they both walk to the kitchen]
• Rita's Grandma: Look at those moves! I love you, Tom!
• Liam: This bloke isn't who he says he is. His real name is Millicent Bystander, an international jewel thief. A mastermind, a super-criminal. Looks like he crossed The Toad and got away with it. He's a dangerous man, but I'm a thinker. I've got a plan.
• [Roddy scats]
• Rita's Grandma: More! More!
• [Roddy falls down]
• Rita's Grandma: That was brilliant!
• Roddy: Oh, it was nothing.
• Rita's Sister 2: So, you're from Up Top?
• Roddy: Yes.
• Rita's Mom: I've met one of your lot before.
• Roddy: Oh, really?
• Rita's Mom: Used to be some old lady's pet.
• Roddy: That's nice.
• Rita's Mom: Terribly lonely for him, though. He had no one to talk to.
• Rita's Grandma: [hugs Roddy] No one to cuddle with!
• Shocky: No one to shocky.
• Rita's Mom: Well, that's no life, is it? Oh, I better get these dishes started.
• Roddy: Oh, please, permit me.
• Rita's Mom: Oh, you're such a gentleman!
• Rita: Great! So I hand Roddy over The Toad and claim the reward. Then we're all sitting pretty for the rest of our lives. Is that the idea?
• Liam: The Toad will pay a fortune for him. He's a bad one anyway, so that's all right, isn't it?
• Rita's Dad: Oh, you cheeky little monkey. I won't have no son of mine acting the rat.
• Rita: We Malones never go back on our word.
• Liam: He's gonna steal your boat.
• Rita: He won't steal my boat.
• Liam: He's stealing your boat.
• Rita: He isn't stealing my...
• Liam: He stole your boat.
• Rita: What?
• Liam: [off screen] He's like Robin Hood in reverse.
• Rita: Oi! I thought we had a deal!
• Roddy: So did I! [drives away by the house]
• [Rita's Dad falls in the water]
• Rita's Grandma: This is an emergency! Get out of the way! Emergency! [dives in the water] Keep clear! I'm coming, Mr. Jones, I'm coming! Oh, marry me, Mr. Jones!
• Rita: Roddy! [looks at a duck]
• Roddy: Oh, that double-crossing little schemer. I don't need her. I mean, anyone can get out and sail. Look at me! All right, Sid, you're in for a big surprise.
• Man: [off screen] Look out!
• Roddy: Sorry!
• [cut to Sid]
• Sid: Sid's Tattoo and Hot Dog Parlor.
• Roddy: It's Roddy. Remember me? The butler?
• Sid: Roddy!
• Roddy: Listen, you! If you're still there when I get back...
• Sid: [burps] Back? Back? And how you gonna do that then, Roddy?
• Roddy: [hears a crash] What was that?
• Sid: I gotta go, Rodders.
• Roddy: If I find one thing out of place...
• [the phone falls in the water, then Roddy looks at the gears, turning off the light, sighing, sitting down, shaking his head, then the slugs sing Don't Worry, Be Happy]
• Slug: [singing] Here's a little song I wrote. You might want to sing it not for note. Don't worry, be happy. Don't worry, be happy now.
• [Roddy sighs, then cut to Whitey and Spike]
• Spike: Where are they hiding? Think. Think.
• Whitey: To find a rat, you got to think like a rat. [grabs a chair]
• Ted: Hey, guys. I've had a tip-off. They're heading west to Kensington.
• Spike: Bingo!
• Whitey: Scrabble! [chuckling]
• Spike: Enough games. To the ratmobiles!
• [the music begins Batman Theme by Neal Hefti playing, then cut back to Roddy]
• Roddy: Okay, okay, we can fix it. Yes, we can. Obviously. [touches the gear, getting shocked by his finger] Fairly major burn to the hand. Smell of burning flesh. Maybe I should just... [touches the gears, getting shocked by fingers, then kicking the fan] Oh, oh, ow! That really hurt. Just start, you worthless old pile of rubbish! You useless, unreliable...
• Rita: Untrustworthy, double-crossing, two-faced, conniving little toe-rag!
• Roddy: Ha! Ha! Oh! So I'm the double crosser? Oh, yes, that's rich! I overheard everything. Yes, you and your family were gonna sell me to The Toad!
• Rita: What? You dipstick! That was my stupid little brother's plan. And no one listens to him.
• Roddy: Ah, must have missed that part.
• Rita: How could you think I'd seel you out? When I make a deal, I make a deal. [to Roddy] Your hair's on fire.
• Roddy: What? Ow!