FANDOM


  • [first lines, as we zoom across earth, with a volcano erupting, with a ceratosaurus battling a triceratops, then the cavemen fight, then the rock flies in the earth, then the T-Rex and triceratops look at the flying rock, then they both gasp, hearing an explosion, then the bug wears glasses, blowing away by the wind, then the cavemen get out, looking at the fire, then the caveman grabs fireball, putting on fire, screaming, laughing, throwing away, tossing the fireball to the hand, throwing to the feet, then they kick the fireball, the the ground rumbles, then falling in the lava, then the caveman takes his clothes off, then kicking the fireball to the man, then they cheer, then the men put a rock under the man, kicking the ball to a rock, knocking the rock, with a rock falling on the caveman, then they cheer, then kicking the ball, then they cheer, painting the picture, then cut to a forest, with a rabbit licking the dirt, with butterflies flying away, with a squirrel eating an acorn, climbing up on the tree, with an armadillo walking in the grass]
  • Dug: Nearly there, Hognob. Nearly there. Just a bit farther. Try a little bit harder. We can do it. [reaches for the watermelon] Just a little bit more, Hognob.
  • [Hognob looks at the mushrooms]
  • Dug: I can reach it. [grabs a watermelon] Got it.
  • [Hognob lets go of the tree, flying Dug]
  • Dug: [screaming] Still got it.
  • [Hognob runs to Dug, then Dug bounces by the tree, then the watermelons hit Dug, then the watermelon splats Dug, licking Dug]
  • Dug: [laughing] Hognob, enough! Oi, enough now!
  • [they hear mammoths]
  • Dug: Mammoths! Come on, Hognob. Let's go wake Bobnar. [runs down] Hey, Chief. [grabs underwear, with crocodiles falling in the basket] Chief! [turns light on]
  • Chief: What? What? What? [wakes up, falling down]
  • Dug: [off screen] Are you awake, Chief?
  • [Hognob laughs at Chief, screaming]
  • Dug: Chief? Time to go hunting.
  • Chief: Bit early, isn't it, Dug?
  • Dug: But, Chief, we're early man. [throws underwear at Chief] Come on, everyone. Time to get up.
  • [the title card appears, then Dug looks at Magma and Asbo, then Thongo taps Asbo, then Treebor puts a finger in his mouth, then putting a toe in his mouth, then Dug grabs the bucket, dumping to the men]
  • Chief: Morning, everyone.
  • All: Morning, Chief.
  • Chief: Bit nippy this morning.
  • [the crocodiles bites Chief, grabbing a crocodile out of his underwear]
  • Dug: Oops. Sorry.
  • [Chief takes the crocodile to Dug]
  • Dug: Wait, Chief. Chief.
  • [Chief grabs a beetle razor]
  • Dug: Chief. So I've been thinking. You know we always hunt rabbits?
  • Chief: Oh, yeah. Very tasty they are, too.
  • Dug: Yes, but couldn't we try hunting something, well, you know, bigger?
  • Chief: What, like a hare?
  • Dug: No, like a buffalo or a mammoth.
  • [Hognob gasps]
  • Chief: [turns the beetle razor off] You want us to hunt a five-ton, bone-crushing mammoth?
  • Dug: Yeah. Why not? I really believe we could do it, Chief.
  • Chief: Dug, look at our ancestors. You don't see them hunting big things, do you? They hunted little round beasts. Of some sort.
  • Dug: Yeah, what are those things anyway?
  • Chief: Don't know. I supposed they couldn't draw rabbits back then. [walks away by Dug]
  • Dug: [looks at a man with a ball] Wait. Sorry, no, Chief. Chief, about the mammoth thing.
  • Chief: Look, I'll tell you what, I'll definitely bear it mind. [takes a spear to Dug] All right? [clicks his tongue] Come on, Dug. Right, gather round. Grab a spear. [takes a spear to Treebor]
  • Treebor: Oh! It's pointy!
  • Magma: Oh, Treebor. Just get over there.
  • Treebor: Aw, Mum!
  • Dug: Morning, Barry.
  • Barry: Morning, Dug.
  • Dug: Mr. Rock coming hunting today?
  • Barry: Oh, yeah, wouldn't miss it for the world.
  • Chief: Morning, Asbo. Change your underpants today?
  • Asbo: Yeah! Changed them with Thongo, Chief. Champion!
  • Thongo: Mmm.
  • Gravelle: [raises her hand up] Chief?
  • Chief: Yes, Gravelle?
  • Gravelle: Um, when I put my arm up, it hurts.
  • Chief: We don't do it, then. Grubup, don't eat that. That's Eemak.
  • Grubup: [takes his leg off of his mouth] Yum!
  • [Eemak disgruntles geordie gobbledygook]
  • "Chief': Exactly. Uh, right.
  • Dug: Heads down, everyone.
  • Chief: Thank you, Dug.
  • Barry: Shh!
  • Chief: [clears throat] We give thanks for our valley, our home, this precious ground, which sustains us and gives us shelter from the Badlands. May we live in peace, balance, and harmony with our forest and all the creatures we share it with. [puts his hands together] Right, let's go kill something.
  • [they all cheer, then Dug hunts, looking around, then Hognob looks around, then the cavemen hunt down, then Chief hunts a rabbit, imitating a bird call, then they all look at a rabbit, then he continues imitating a bird call, pointing to the rabbit, then imitating a rabbit, then they shake their heads, then groaning]
  • Chief: A rabbit!
  • [they all shout, running to the rabbit]
  • Chief: That's it. That's it.
  • Dug: I've got him.
  • [the rabbit runs away]
  • Dug: To you, Eemak.
  • [the men knock their bodies]
  • Chief: Ouch.
  • [Eemak disgrunts gobbledygook, laying down]
  • Dug: Nice try, though.
  • Chief: Let's use an element of surprise.
  • [the rabbit squeaks at Treebor, screaming]
  • Barry: Righto, Chief.
  • [the arrow hits Barry]
  • Asbo: I got him! [throws a coconut below the rabbit, bouncing at the web]
  • Eemak: No, I haven't!
  • [the coconut hits Asbo]
  • Eemak: Great! Champion! [falls down]
  • [Magma tries to hit the rabbit]
  • Gravelle: Got you!
  • [Hognob carries Gravelle]
  • Dug: I got this, Gravelle.
  • [the rabbit carries another rabbit]
  • Dug: Ha-hey!
  • [Grubup flies by Dug, eating him]
  • Dug: [muffled] Put me back!
  • [Gravelle and Hognob pass by Grubup and Dug, then the rabbit runs to a stone, laying down]
  • Barry: Well done, Mr. Rock!
  • [they all whoop]
  • Chief: Nice job, everyone. Rabbit surprise tonight!
  • [they all cheer, then Asbo plays drums, then Gravelle plays a guitar, then Treebor plays the maracas, then Grubup blows his horn, then Hognob dances]
  • Chief: See, Dug? We hunt rabbits, everyone's happy.
  • [the rabbit whoops]
  • Dug: Although the thing about rabbits, Chief, well, they are quite small.
  • Chief: Dug, Dug. Look at us.
  • [they look at the people dancing]
  • Chief: You seriously think we could catch a mammoth?
  • Barry: Nice moves, Mr. Rock.
  • Chief: Us lot?
  • Barry: You've been practicing.
  • [Dug and Hognob look around, then Hognob walks away, barking]
  • Chief: Shush, everyone.
  • [they all hear footsteps, then they all look at hearing footsteps, then Chief grabs a rock, throwing in the tree, then they all gasp, then the arrow touches the stone, landing on the tree]
  • Barry: The rabbits are fighting back!
  • [the arrow lands on the tree by Barry, with the branch falling down, then they yelp]
  • Chief: I don't think this is rabbits.
  • Dug: Attack! [throws a spear at the helmet]
  • [they all whimper, then the mammoth appears, then they look at Lord Nooth, then they all run away,
  • Chief: Run!
  • [they all run away, zooming at Dug, running away, knocking the stone, then bunny unties the rope, running away, then rabbit grabs the fruit, then they continue running away]
  • Barry: Mr. Rock!
  • [the arrow aims at Mr. Rock]
  • Barry: No!
  • [Chief grabs Barry]
  • Barry: [sobbing] No!
  • Chief: To the Bedlands!
  • Dug: What, leave the valley?
  • Chief: Come on. Just run.
  • [Hognob barks]
  • Dug: Hognob! [looks at Hognob barking]
  • [the arrow shoots closer to Hognob, then Dug saves him]
  • Chief: Where's Dug? Have you seen Dug?
  • [Barry climbs up]
  • Chief: Go on.
  • Barry: Thank you, Chief.
  • Chief: [hears a trumpet sound] Dug!
  • [the thunder cracks the volcano, walking backward, then the mammoths trumpet, then Dug and Hognob look at the mammoths, looking at Lord Nooth appear, walking to Dug and Hognob, picking up a rock]
  • Lord Nooth: Hmm. Excellent. [looks at a rock] All right, secure the valley. Start mining ore.
  • Dino: Or what, Lord Nooth?
  • Lord Nooth: [looks at Dino] Ore, you fool! Start mining the ore. The metal that's in the ground.
  • Dino: Oh, the ore! In the ground. [chuckling] Yes. What about the primitives?
  • Lord Nooth: Oh, let them rot in The Badlands. They are the low-achievers of history with their puny flints and their drafty caves.
  • Dug: You've picked the wrong tribe to mess with.
  • Lord Nooth: [mockingly] Oh, I am so scared! You are waving your stones about!
  • [Dug tries to attack the mammoth, yelling]
  • Lord Nooth: The Age of Stone is over, Dino.
  • [Dug continues yelling]
  • Lord Nooth: Long live the Age of Bronze!
  • [the spike ball hits Dug, then Hognob gasps, then the ax falls down, then Lord Nooth walks away, then Dug falls in the wagon]
  • Lord Nooth: [to Hognob] Okay, let's get moving.
  • Man: Of course, Lord Nooth. [whip cracks it up]
  • Lord Nooth: I'm late for my massage.
  • [the mammoths walk away, then Hognob walks away, howling, zooming in a volcano, carrying Dug to a castle, looking at the doors closing, rolling away, running the door, closing them up, locking the door, looking at the guards, then the buffalo runs to Dug]
  • Car Driver: What are you doing? Get out of the way!
  • Woman: Hey! Hey!
  • [Dug looks at a wagon]
  • Tool Maker: Multi-purpose pen swords! Very handy for opening bottles, too!
  • Food Maker: Sliced bread. Wow! That's the best thing since... Wow, ever!
  • Dug: [walks to the pans, falling down] Hmm.
  • Goona: [grabs a pan] Hey!
  • Dug: Huh?
  • Goona: Don't touch the bronze.
  • Dug: The what?
  • Goona: The bronze! Where you have been, the Stone Age?
  • Dug: Oh. Uh...
  • Goona: What?
  • [they hear a gong, then chanting, closing the window, looking at the sign, saying, "CLOSED", putting on a hat, then they continue chanting]
  • Orderly: Fifty schnookels! Fifty schnookels! Voluntary contribution. Everyone has to pay!
  • Man 1: It's gone up again!
  • Man 2: It's daylight robbery!
  • Orderly: Fifty schnookels! Voluntary contribution! Hey! She hasn't voluntarily contributed.
  • Guard: Hmm? Stop her!
  • [Dug runs away]
  • Goona: Hey.
  • Guard: Oi! Stop her!
  • Goona: Hey.
  • [the guards continue charging at Dug, passing by a minus sign, then Dug continues running away, looking at the guard walking in, looking at the door window, opening it, trying to push the door, opening the door, walking backwards, slipping on a soap, sliding to Hugelgraber, taking a shower, singing, looking at Dug, waving at him]
  • Dug: [to Hugelgraber] Hello. Oh!
  • [Hugelgraber screams, running to the door]
  • Dug: Sorry! [opens the door, looking around]
  • Jurgend: I tell you, I wouldn't want to be facing me out there.
  • [Dug walks down, bumping to Gonad]
  • Gonad: Hey, Hugelgraber, can't you see in that thing? The arena's this way.
  • [Dug looks at the arena]
  • Jurgend: You girls are gonna get slaughtered. [laughing]
  • [the man growls]
  • Gonad: Let's go!
  • [they all go in the arena, chanting]
  • Dino: All stand for our mighty leader, Lord Nooth!
  • [the crowd cheer, then Dug gasps]
  • Lord Nooth: [on microphone] Who challenges the champions?
  • Gonad: We challenge the champions!
  • Jurgend: We accept the challenge!
  • [they both grunt, putting spears down]
  • Lord Nooth: [on megaphone] The hour has come.
  • [the drums beat, then the light turns on]
  • Lord Nooth: Let the sacred game commence! [pulls lever down, revealing the soccer ball]
  • Announcer: Introducing Real Bronzio and the captain, Jurgend! Today's match official, Referee Dino!
  • Lord Nooth: In the name of Queen Oofeefa, we give thanks for the beautiful game. Oggy! Oggy! Oggy!
  • Crowd: Oi! Oi! Oi!
  • Lord Nooth: Let's play football!
  • [Dino blows whistle, then they play with a soccer ball]
  • Lord Nooth: Whilst I count my schnookels.
  • [the ball hits Dug, hitting Dug, looking at the door, running to the mouse, screaming, running away]
  • Gonad: Hugelgraber! What are you doing? Get in the goal!
  • Man: What's up with Hugelgraber? Come on!
  • [Goona sits down, then the ball hits Dug]
  • Jurgend: Pick it up! Pick it up!
  • [Dug picks the ball up]
  • Jurgend: To me! To me! What? Put it down! Put it down!
  • [Dug drops the ball down]
  • Dino: [blows whistle] Free kick!
  • [Goona turns the antler around]
  • Jurgend: Hugelgraber! Just get in the game!
  • [Dug walks backward, then the man kicks the ball, knocking Dug in slow motion, looking at the ball flying up, looking at the cave paintings in the sky]
  • Man: [slo-mo voice] Just kick it!
  • [the ball hits on the back of Dug, kicking in the goal, then they gasp, then Dug gets up, looking at the people, running away, knocking into Jurgend]
  • Jurgend: What are you doing, Hugelgraber? You just scored an own goal!
  • [they all cheer]
  • Hugelgraber: He's not me!
  • Jurgend: Huh?
  • [they all gasp, looking at Hugelgraber who has no clothes, then Jurgend takes his helmet off of Dug]
  • Jurgend: Huh?
  • Lord Nooth: A caveman?
  • Dino: A caveman?
  • Crowd: A caveman?
  • Lord Nooth: Playing the sacred game? Bring him here.
  • [the men bring Dug, laying down]
  • Lord Nooth: How dare you! Oh. [shakes his fingers] How dare you set foot on our hallowed ground?
  • Dug: You took our ground. Our home!
  • Lord Nooth: [scoffs] Oh, that. Listen, you Stone Age brute. You have no home. Your kind are finished on this Earth. Now take him away and kill him. Slowly.
  • [the men take Dug]
  • Lord Nooth: Argh! No, I mean take him away at normal speed and kill him slowly. Idiots! Now get on with the game.
  • Viking Captain: We challenge the champions!
  • Dug: Wait, wait! [runs away by the guards, grabbing a flag, deflating a ball]
  • [they all gasp, then Goona spits water at the man, looking at Dug]
  • Dug: We challenge the champions!
  • [they all gasp]
  • Jurgend: Huh?
  • Lord Nooth: What did you say?
  • Dino: He said, "We challenge..."
  • Lord Nooth: I heard what he said!
  • Dug: If we win, we keep our valley. You leave my tribe in peace.
  • Goona: [nods her head] Hmm.
  • Lord Nooth: You think you can beat us at football? [laughs]
  • [the crowd laugh]
  • Lord Nooth: A match between the Bronze and the brutes? What an idea!
  • Dino: Sacrilege, O Premier Leader!
  • Lord Nooth: Yes. Quite.
  • Dino: The masses would flock to see such a vulgar spectacle. Pah!
  • Lord Nooth: Hmm. [looks at the gold] Oh! Really? For the valley, you say?
  • [the electricity crackles on the gate, then they sob, then they hear Hognob barking, looking at Dug walking up]
  • Chief: Dug!
  • Asbo: It's Dug!
  • Barry: He's alive!
  • [they all chatter]
  • Barry: What's that crazy fruit he's got?
  • [Dug puts the soccer ball down]
  • Chief: "Football"? What's "football"? And how's it going to get our valley back?
  • Dug: well, it's this amazing game, Chief. And the leader of the Bronze people, he says if we play this game and beat them at...
  • Magma: Ooh, nice tight shorts!
  • Treebor: Aw, Mum!
  • Dug: ...we can have our valley back.
  • [they all gasp]
  • Treebor: That's what we want.
  • Chief: And if we don't beat them?
  • Dug: Ah. Well, then, he said we'll spend the rest of our miserable lives working down a mine.
  • Barry: No! What's a "mine"?
  • Chief: Dug, we've never even played this game.
  • Dug: But that's just it. We did. Once.
  • Chief: Huh?
  • Dug: Those cave paintings back in our valley, they're pictures of our ancestors playing football.
  • [they all look at the people playing ball in a painting]
  • Asbo: Champion!
  • Dug: So if they did it, surely we can do it.
  • Gravelle: [sneezes at the paintings] Sorry! Shimmering memories make me sneeze.
  • Chief: This doesn't change anything, Dug. It's just too risky.
  • Treebor: Oh, come on, Chief!
  • Magma: We can do it, Chief!
  • Asbo: I wanna play football! I wanna play now! Now!
  • Chief: [stammers] Listen. No, we're not gonna... No!
  • [they all groan]
  • Treebor: All right, then. Don't worry about us.
  • Asbo: Yeah, we'll... [sniffles] We'll be okay. We'll just die a slow and lingering death in the Badlands.
  • [the rabbit looks at the people walking away, looking at Dug]
  • Dug: Come on, Chief. Just give us a chance. Please!
  • [the rabbit grunts encouragingly]
  • Chief: [sighs] Look, all right.
  • [they all gasp]
  • Chief: Maybe we'll give this "football" idea a try, then.
  • [they all cheer, with the rabbit falling down]
  • Chief: No promises, mind.
  • Dug: The match is to be played at the full moon.
  • [they all cheer, then Chief sits down on a beetle]
  • Dug: And then we go back to the valley!
  • Treebor: Sweet!
  • [Chief gets off of a beetle, then erupting a volcano, then they put the bone down, dribbling the ball]
  • Chief: Right, line up, everybody in line! All yours, Dug.
  • Dug: Thanks, Chief. All right! Um...
  • Chief: Um, are hogs supposed to play football?
  • [Hognob raises his hoof up]
  • Dug: No. Oh, probably not, no. Sorry, Hognob.
  • [Hognob walks away]
  • Dug: This is a football.
  • [they all gasp]
  • Dug: One side tries to kick the ball into this goal.
  • All: Ooh.
  • Dug: And the other side tries to kick the ball in that goal.
  • All: Ahh!
  • Barry: Football sounds hard.
  • Treebor: What happens if you kick the ball in the goal?
  • Dug: Well, if you kick the ball in the goal, then the other men hug and kiss you.
  • [they all look]
  • Dug: Right, who wants to try?
  • Magma: I'll give it a go.
  • [they all laugh]
  • Asbo: Nice one.
  • Treebor: Aw, Mum!
  • Dug: Good, Magma. All right, okay, good. Right. Um, so I'm... I'm gonna try and get the ball, and you have to stop me, okay? [runs down, imitating a monkey] Come on, come on!
  • [Magma punches Dug, then they all cheer]
  • Asbo: Nice one, Mum!
  • Magma: Football's brilliant.
  • Chief: That can't be right. [picks Dug up] Surely, you can't hit the other players?
  • Dug: No, you're supposed to attack the ball.
  • [the men run, then Dug grabs the ball]
  • Dug: No, no, no, no, not weapons!
  • Asbo: Just use fist?
  • Dug: No! No fighting at all.
  • Magma: Where's the fun in that?
  • Dug: Uh... Hmm. [squishes Grubup, with his leg up and down]
  • [they all laugh, then putting the soccer ball down]
  • Dug: Okay, Thongo!
  • [Thongo tries to kick the ball, flipping around, sliding to Treebor]
  • Barry: Yes!
  • Dug: Good effort. Great. Okay, next.
  • [Hognob walks up, then Dug clears throat]
  • Dug: Hognob?
  • [Hognob sighs, walking away]
  • Dug: Go for it, Asbo.
  • [Asbo runs, kicking the ball]
  • Dug: Yay!
  • Asbo: Yay!
  • [the ball bounces on the rock, then flying in the pie by the rabbit, squirting the rabbit, licking around, then Treebor falls down]
  • Dug: Skippy, can we have our ball back, please?
  • [cut to Jurgend, playing with the soccer ball]
  • Lord Nooth: Trust me, Dino. This football match between the Stone Age and the Bronze World, it's perfect! Oh, how I love it!
  • Dino: Yes, football.
  • Lord Nooth: No! Bronze! [takes the coins] So cold and hard and slippery.
  • [Dino walks to Lord Nooth]
  • Lord Nooth: And this game is going to make me loads of it.
  • Dino: Your Premiership, what if the Queen finds out?
  • Lord Nooth: [scoffs] That old crow? She doesn't know what goes on out here. [hears a bird, squirting at the man]
  • Message Bird: Delivering message!
  • Dino: Your Footballness, it's a Message Bird.
  • Lord Nooth: Huh? [snaps fingers at Message Bird, shaking his finger around] Ugh. Well, go on, make it.
  • [Dino claps his hands to Message Bird]
  • Message Bird: [clears throat, imitating queen] "Hello? Hello? How do you use this Message Bird thing?"
  • Lord Nooth: It's the Queen.
  • Message Bird: [imitates adviser] "Just speak into its ear, ma'am. It will mimic everything it hears." [imitates queen] "I don't even know if I'm holding it the... Testing!" [squaking] "Testing!" [squawking] "Nooth? Nooth?"
  • Dino: Perhaps she's heard about the game.
  • Lord Nooth: [scoffs] Of course she hasn't heard about the game.
  • Message Bird: "I've heard about the game."
  • [they gasp]
  • Message Bird: "You, arguing a football match against a bunch of savages? You idiot! Imagine if we lost."
  • Lord Nooth: We won't.
  • Message Bird: "I said, imagine it! Exactly! The mighty Bronze Age brought to its knees by a bunch of cavemen? Well, I'm warning you, Nooth. You'd better not lose. Hmm?" [squawking] End of message.
  • Lord Nooth: Oh! Hmm. Silly old bat! How dare she talk to me like that!
  • Message Bird: [scoffs] "Silly old bat! How dare she talk to me like that?" Delivering message! [squawks, flying away]
  • Lord Nooth: Guards! Get that bird back! What does the Queen know anyway? The cavemen are oafs. My players are...
  • Dino: Overpaid?
  • Lord Nooth: Champions!
  • Dino: Oh, yes, champions.
  • Lord Nooth: They spend their days thinking, sleeping, eating football. And I hardly think the cavemen will be doing that.
  • Dug: [throws water at everybody] Rise and shine! Training time!
  • [Chief sleeps by a spider, opening eyes, walking away]
  • Dug: No, not like that. When I said "free kick," I meant of the ball.
  • Magma: Sorry, Dug.
  • [Hognob kicks the ball]
  • Dug: Hognob, no!
  • [Hognob walks backwards, then Treebor walks backward]
  • Dug: Barry, where are you going? No, don't wander off! Football's hard.
  • Gravelle: [off screen] Dug, my toe hurts!
  • [Chief walks away]
  • Dug: Grubup, drop it! I told you... [takes the ball out of Grubup's mouth] ...it's the only we've got. Come on, everyone! We should be able to do this. No, don't... Don't sit down.
  • Grubup: Grubup no like football. Make Grubup hungry. [sniffing] Oh. Oh, ho-ho. Food. [laughing] Yum! [looks around, grabbing a rock, throwing a rock at the duck] Huh?
  • [the duck screeches, walking to Grubup, running away]
  • Grubup: Duck! Duck!
  • [they all duck]
  • Grubup: No! Duck!
  • [they all run away]
  • Treebor: Look! It's a giant man-eating mallard! Run away!
  • [Dug looks at the ball, stepping on the ball, deflating it, then they look at the deflated ball, then Chief sighs, then Dug looks at the quarter moon]
  • Chief: You haven't eaten your primordial soup.
  • Dug: Not really hungry.
  • Chief: [sighs, giving a treat to Hognob, sniffing, opening the eyes, sitting to Dug] Dug, it's time to give up this football lark for their sake. They're just not capable of it.
  • Dug: Don't you miss the valley, Chief.
  • Chief: They valley's gone now. And we're better off here in the Badlands than slaving down some mine. I mean, there's the odd giant duck around, but at least we're still together. We're still a tribe.
  • Dug: But our ancestors played football. We know they did. I still believe we can do this.
  • Chief: With what? You haven't even got a ball to play with.
  • [Dug sighs, then Chief walks away]
  • Chief: It's over. [walks away by Dug]
  • Dug: [looks at the quarter moon] No. There's still time. Come on, Hognob.
  • [Hognob walks by Dug, then they eyes appear at Hognob, running away, with the guards walking by, then Dug climbs up]
  • Dug: Okay, Hognob. Hognob?
  • [Hognob walks out of the door, then they hide on a wall, looking at the window]
  • Dug: [whispers] Right. Let's go get some balls. [pulls Hognob out of the window] Shh!
  • [they both sneak to the arena, hitting the window, trying to push the door]
  • Dug: What strange magic is this?
  • [Hognob clears throat, opening the door]
  • Dug: [to Hognob] Hognob, you stay. I don't want to attract attention.
  • [Hognob sighs, then Dug trips over a sign, saying, "CAUTION TRIP HAZARD", rolling down the stairs, falling down, rolling down the stairs again, falling down again, rolling down the stairs again, falling to the ground, with a sign falling on Dug, laying down]
  • Lord Nooth: What's all that crashing around out there?
  • [Hognob whimpers]
  • Lord Nooth: Is that you, Stefano? Stop messing about and get in here with those firm hands of yours.
  • [Hognob opens a curtain]
  • Lord Nooth: Come on, Stefano! It's time for my massage.
  • [Hognob gulps, then Dug gets up and down, then Goona plays with a ball, then Dug gets up]
  • Goona: And the exciting new singing picks the ball up in the center circle. She beats one, nutmegs another, lobs it neatly over the big fullback. She's going all the way. She shoots! She scores! Yeah! And the crowd goes wild! Goal!
  • [Dug steps on a sign, gasping, sitting down, then Goona looks around, then the ball hits Dug, laying down]
  • Lord Nooth: Ah, I need this, Stefano. I'm feeling stressed. And hardworking governor like me, stuck out in this miserable wasteland? He deserves a few perks. Simple pleasures like fine food, a massage, his own champion football team. Well, come on, chop-chop, I haven't got all day. Oh, my tendons are like ropes. You can go the whole hog.
  • [cut to Dug, laying down]
  • Goona: You're that crazy caveman guy.
  • Dug: The angry pan girl.
  • Goona: What are you doing here, caveman? This is the sacred turf. No one's allowed here.
  • Dug: Balls.
  • Goona: Huh?
  • Dug: I need balls.
  • Goona: You came all this way and broke into the stadium just to find some balls?
  • [Dug nods]
  • Goona: Wow. You're pretty brave, caveman. And stupid. Actually, more stupid than brave, really.
  • Dug: Thanks.
  • Goona: I'm Goona, by the way.
  • Dug: Dug.
  • [they hear the men shout]
  • Goona: Come on, I can help. [takes Dug]
  • [cut back to Lord Nooth, with Hognob tapping Lord Nooth]
  • Lord Nooth: [chuckling] That's good! [puts the newspaper scroll away] I don't know what the Queen is worrying about. [chuckling] I mean, we all know what losers cavemen are. Those Stone Age dolts couldn't beat their own grandmothers. Brainless goons! Gormless halfwits!
  • [Hognob cracks Lord Nooth]
  • Lord Nooth: Stefano! Not so ham-fisted! In fact, enough massage. How about some relaxing music instead?
  • [Hognob looks at the harp, then cut back to Goona and Dug]
  • Goona: [takes a net] I envy you.
  • Dug: Me?
  • Goona: The chance to play on that pitch, the sacred turf, in front of thousands of fans!
  • Dug: Well, maybe you will one day.
  • Goona: You think they let girls play for Real Bronzo? You really are crazy. [puts balls down] Why do you think I sneak in here?
  • [they hear a door opening]
  • Dino: What is that?
  • Goona: Scarper!
  • Dino: Stop! Thieves!
  • Goona: This way!
  • [they continue running down, then Dino blows a whistle, releasing the rope, trapping Dino, with his hand on his head, then the guards run by Dino]
  • Dino: [muffled] They went that way!
  • Guards: Huh?
  • Dino: [muffled] No! That way!
  • [the guards charge by Dug and Goona, hearing a horn, then they gasp]
  • Goona: Give me those! Quick!
  • [the whistle blows, then Dug dumps the balls down, then Goona kicks a ball to the guard, then Goona kicks a ball to the guards]
  • Dug: You're really good!
  • Goona: Thanks! [trips a ball] I do a lot of practice. [kick a ball to the guard, then Dug ducks]
  • Dug: Oh, I've just had a great idea!
  • [cut to Hognob, playing with a harp, singing off-key]
  • Dug: [off screen] Come on!
  • [Hognob continues playing on the harp]
  • Lord Nooth: What on Earth's got into you tonight, Stefano? Stefano?
  • Stefano: Yes, sir?
  • Lord Nooth: [looks around] Huh?
  • [Hognob plucks on the harp, then they scream, dropping the plate, then they continue screaming, by flying the ball in the window, hitting Lord Nooth]
  • Dug: Hognob! [grabs Hognob] Hognob, meet Goona. Goona, Hognob. [grabs a toilet paper]
  • [they all get out of a window, falling down, getting tangled up, then Lord Nooth gets out of a tub]
  • Stefano: Sire, are you all right?
  • Lord Nooth: Of course I'm not all right, you idiot! I've just by massaged by a pig!
  • [cut back to the mountain]
  • Dug: [dumps water on the cavemen] Wake up, everyone. I want you all to meet someone. This is Goona.
  • Goona: [plays with a ball] Hi!
  • Dug: And she's gonna help us win the game.
  • All: Oh.
  • Magma: Why would she do that?
  • Dug: She gets to play on the sacred turf in front of thousands of fans.
  • Eemak: Whoa.
  • Goona: Glad to be on board. So what formation do you normally play?
  • Dug: Um, formation?
  • Goona: 4-4-2 or 4-3-3? Who's your sweeper?
  • All: Um...
  • Goona: Do you man-mark or play zonally?
  • All: Uh...
  • Treebor: We just kick the ball about and chase it.
  • Goona: [sighs] You think you can beat Real Bronzio just by chasing the ball around? You need to know what you're up against. [shuffles the cards, putting on the wall] This is Jurgend, the captain. Best goal-scorer in the known world. Knows it too.
  • Jurgend: Ha!
  • Goona: Their winger, Lightning Hammer. Never strikes in the same place.
  • [the man crackles by the hands]
  • Goona: Midfield dynamo Qwik Wun Tu. He can kick faster than you can think. Fullback, Gonad the Gaul. No one gets past his tackle.
  • Magma: Oh!
  • Treebor: Aw, Mum!
  • Goona: Make no mistake. These are the best players bronze can buy.
  • Asbo: They're like ginormous great big footballing giants!
  • Gravelle: Oh, there's no way we can beat such a great team.
  • Goona: They may be great, but what they're not is a team. They're 11 players who each think they're the star. That's their weakness. And that's how you can beat them.
  • Dug: Hmm. Goona's right. They may be better players than us, but we have something they don't.
  • All: Huh?
  • Barry: Moss?
  • Dug: No, Barry, not moss. We've got each other. And if we work together, then maybe we can do this.
  • [they all agree]
  • Goona: Right. We've got a lot of hard work to do. And we haven't even got a full team.
  • [Hognob raises his hoof]
  • Chief: What's going on?
  • Dug: Uh, Chief, this is Goona, and she's gonna help us win the game.
  • Chief: I thought we're done with football.
  • Goona: Not now you've turned up. You're in the team.
  • [they all chuckle, then Hognob sighs]
  • Chief: I'm not playing. I'm an old man. I'm nearly 32.
  • Goona: Okay, that is old. Go in goal!
  • [the ball hits Chief]
  • Goona: Right, well, that's settled, then. Now, where's your training facilities? Real Bronzio have the very best.
  • Dug: And all we've got is...
  • [the volcano erupts]
  • Dug: ...the Badlands.
  • [they hear a rumble, then they scream]
  • Goona: Three, two, one. [to the gang] This way, everyone!
  • [they all walk by the bones]
  • Chief: Wait! What? Oh! What are you doing?
  • Goona: This way, everyone!
  • [the ducks walk on the bones, then Hognob runs away by Chief, falling down, then they walk on the rocks in the lava]
  • Chief: This is a bit dangerous.
  • [Dug ties rope around the men, putting his thumb, then Goona uses a stick to roll down the rocks down, then they gasp]
  • Chief: What are you... What the...
  • [the rocks roll by the cavemen, kicking the rocks]
  • Chief: Eh? Well, I'll be...
  • [the rock hits Chief]
  • Goona: Okay. Pass and move. It's very important that you pass and move. But whatever happens, keep your formation.
  • [Dug tries to eat a bug, then Dug ties his shoe, then they kick the ball by sprouting geysers, then Goona looks at the people flying up in geysers, screaming, then Hognob taps Asbo, then Thongo cuts the string, then they dance, then Goona dances around the ball, kicking it, then they kick, then they give them a fist, then Dug pulls Chief up]
  • Goona: Nice one, Asbo! That's it! Everyone working together!
  • [they all kick the ball, then Dug hits the ball, then cut back to Lord Nooth]
  • Lord Nooth: [looks at the cave paintings] Ugh! This is all I need. You found these in the primitives' valley?
  • Dino: It seems the ancestors were playing football centuries before we were.
  • Lord Nooth: The Queen must not find out about this, all right?
  • Message Bird: [squawking, flying in the window] Delivering message!
  • Lord Nooth: Oh, no.
  • Message Bird: "What's this? I hear about the savages playing football centuries before we were?"
  • Lord Nooth: Ow! Ow! I didn't know! Ow!
  • Message Bird: "And my spies tell me they're getting better." [hits Lord Nooth] "Training every day!" [continues throwing fruits at Lord Nooth] "You better not screw it up, Nooth, or else." [cracks his peanut] "I'll tell you who'll be going down the mine."
  • [Lord Nooth puts a bucket on Message Bird]
  • Message Bird: [muffled] "You will!" [pecks his bucket]
  • Lord Nooth: This has gone far enough. They're Stone Age brutes. They live in caves. They eat mud! No. I need to shut them down. Mess with their tiny cavemen minds.
  • Dino: Brilliant! How do we do that?
  • Lord Nooth: I don't know. The answer isn't just going to walk in the door.
  • [they both hear a knock, then the engineers walk in]
  • Engineer 1: [clears throat] Sire, we've found something else down in the new mine in the valley.
  • Engineer 2: We've made a copy for your inspection.
  • Lord Nooth: [pushes Dino, looking at the scroll] That's perfect. Hmm.
  • [cut at night, showing the gibbous moon, playing with the ball, then Hognob kicks the ball]
  • Dug: Hognob.
  • [the ball bounces on Gravelle, kicking to Treebor, then Chief tries to grab the ball]
  • Dug: Whoa! Great save, Chief!
  • Goona: You know, we may just stand a chance tomorrow. A small chance, but a chance.
  • Dug: If our ancestors did it, so can we.
  • Chief: Hey, hey, not bad for 32, eh? I never thought I'd say this, Dug, but we're pretty good. Oi, oi, oi! That's mine.
  • [the ball flies by Dug and Goona, then they gasp, bouncing away]
  • Dug: I've got it. [grabs the ball, looking at the volcano] Soon be more. Huh? [looks at a village] No!
  • [the guard puts Dug in a bag]
  • Dug: [muffled] What are you doing? Let me go! [looks around]
  • Lord Nooth: Calm down, caveman. I just wanted to see our new mine. After all, you'll soon be digging lots of bronze out of it.
  • Dug: Oh, we're not going down any mine, mammoth-mouth.
  • Lord Nooth: Ah, yes. Because you're great footballers, just like your ancestors.
  • Dug: You... You know about them?
  • Lord Nooth: Bronze is not all we found down here. [pulls a lever, opening the gate, walking in, holding a torch, then Dug walks in]
  • Dug: What... What... More cave paintings?
  • Lord Nooth: Yes. Only these ones tell the whole story. You see, your ancestors did not just play football. They invented the game. You even taught other tribes how to play. But you had one problem. No matter how hard you tried, you just always ended up losing, match after match, game after game.
  • [Dug looks at the paintings]
  • Lord Nooth: In fact, after many, many moons, you just gave up altogether. It was all too painful for you. It turns out your tribe were totally crap at football. You're losers, caveman. Always have been. Always will be.
  • Dug: No. No, it can't be true.
  • Lord Nooth: Do you really believe you can beat us tomorrow? Face it, caveman. You and your tribe, you just don't have it in you. But I'm willing you to offer you a deal. A way out. [takes Dug]
  • Chief: Time to turn in. Big day tomorrow.
  • Magma: Come on, Treebor!
  • Treebor: Night, Goona!
  • Asbo: Can I sleep in me football?
  • Treebor: Night, everyone!
  • Goona: Night, everyone!
  • [Hognob looks at the ball]
  • Treebor: Think it over, caveman, because the mine is waiting for you and your primitive friends. [laughing]
  • [Dug thinks of Magmar holding a rock, whipping Dug, pushing the cart, then Gravelle]
  • Gravelle: Me arm hurts!
  • Treebor: [sobbing] Where are you, Mum?
  • [the whip cracks Treebor]
  • Mr. Rock: You idiot! What have you done?
  • Chief: At the end of the day, we're just a rabbit-hunting tribe.
  • Dug: I'm sorry, Chief! I didn't mean for this to happen. Bobnar, you've got to believe me! [shakes Chief, transitioning to Hognob] Oh, Hognob! [hugs Hognob] Oh! My dear old hoggy friend.
  • [Hognob pants]
  • Dug: What if I'm wrong? What if Chief was right all along? What if we are just a tribe of rabbit-hunters? Forgive me, Hognob. But I've got a deal to make. I've got to save the tribe. [runs away by Hognob]
  • [Hognob sits down, whimpering, hearing the water dripping, turning off the water, then howling, then cut to the marketplace, going to the arena, squeaking the action figure]
  • Man: Get your cuddly caveman here! Before they go extinct!
  • Orderly: One hundred schnookels! One hundred schnookels! voluntary contribution. Everyone has to play. One hundred schnookels!
  • Man: It has doubled!
  • Orderly: Voluntary contribution! Everyone has to pay.
  • Man: This is outrageous!
  • Woman: Have you got change for a dinner plate?
  • Lord Nooth: [grabs the gold, laughing] It's all going to plan, Dino. Ooh. I love you, little bronze coin. Hello! [kisses the coins] I love you. [kisses the coins] I love you, too. [kisses the coins] And you too.
  • Oofeefa: Nooth! What are you doing?
  • Lord Nooth: Ugh. Not that stupid old bird again. Tell Chef to boil it up in a cassoulet.
  • [the crowd gasps]
  • Oofeefa: "Stupid old bird"?
  • [Lord Nooth gasps]
  • Oofeefa: "Cassoulet"?
  • Lord Nooth: [throws coins in the chest] Your Majesty! [kicks the chest] Why, this is an unexpected... [the wood steps on the foot, groaning] ...pleasure.
  • Oofeefa: Thought I'd come to this caveman game myself. And have a little nose.
  • Lord Nooth: [nasally] A great honor, Your Majesty.
  • [Oofeefa taps Lord Nooth]
  • Brian: And you have to say, Bryan, Real Bronzio's manager is on the back foot.
  • [they both sit down]
  • Bryan: [chuckling] Oh, it's a terrible start for the lad, Brian. Terrible. I mean, just awful. I put it down to pre-match nerves.
  • Brian: You're not wrong there, Bryan.
  • Oofeefa: I've brought my royal commentators with me. [to Brian and Bryan] Sit!
  • [they both sit down]
  • Lord Nooth: Right. [chuckling] Well, let's start the fun, shall we? Bring out the Stone Age challengers!
  • [the men carry Dug in, then cut to Chief and Hognob]
  • Chief: What? Where are you taking me? What on Earth are you playing at?
  • [Hognob grunts]
  • Chief: [looks at the cave paintings] Oh, Dug.
  • [they look at the cave paintings, then cut back to the arena]
  • Lord Nooth: Who challenge the champions?
  • Dug: [quietly] You'll leave my people alone as agreed?
  • Lord Nooth: [quietly] Yes, just say the words.
  • Dug: Not me.
  • [the crowd gasp]
  • Dug: I forfeit the game and volunteer myself for the mines.
  • Lord Nooth: And?
  • Dug: And our valley is yours.
  • Oofeefa: My goodness! Have the caveman caved?
  • Lord Nooth: Oh! So it seems. How very disappointing. Everyone, go home! There is no game. Apologies for the inconvenience. [whispers] Tell the staff, no refunds.
  • Dino: Fowl! Fowl!
  • Lord Nooth: Foul? No one's even playing, you silly slap-head!
  • Dino: No, fowl!
  • [the bird carries the cavemen in the arena, gasping, dropping the spear, then they wave at Dug]
  • Brian: Well, Bryan, it looks like the Stone Age team have just flown in.
  • Bryan: That's right, Brian. They're definitely looking good in the air! See what I did there?
  • Oofeefa: Oh, goodie. Seems there is a game after all.
  • [they hear a fart, gasping, splatting on Lord Nooth, then Dug looks at a bird, squawking, landing on the ground, squawking, then Hognob walks to Dug]
  • Chief: Gonna start with us, Dug?
  • Dug: Chief, we can't play this game.
  • Chief: What, because of a few paintings?
  • Dug: [gasping] So you know about those terrible pictures?
  • Chief: They are terrible. I can draw better than that. But that's all they are. Pictures. It's this lot that counts. You were right, Dug. I thought we were just rabbit-hunters. Well, not anymore. You've shown me that. Who's playing with Dug for the valley?
  • [they all cheer]
  • Asbo: Champion.
  • Barry: It's what Mr. Rock would've wanted.
  • [Goona takes the trident to Dug]
  • Dug: We challenge the champions! [grunting, throwing a spear at Jurgend, then Jurgend scoffs]
  • Lord Nooth: Your funeral, caveman! [pulls lever, revealing a soccer ball]
  • Bryan: This may be an uneven contest, Brian, but let's hop it's at least entertaining.
  • Jurgend: Ha! Let's get this done.
  • [camera zooms at Dug, then Jurgend plays with a ball, then they hear a whistle blowing, kicking the ball to Gravelle]
  • Jurgend: What?
  • Dug: [runs down] Let's do it!
  • Brian: Oh! Well, this is interesting.
  • [Hognob whimpers, then Goona kicks the ball]
  • Jurgend: Hey, Hugelgraber! Wake up!
  • [Hugelgraber yelps, then Asbo kicks the ball]
  • Bryan: [off screen] Very interesting!
  • [the ball hits Hugelgraber, then Gravelle hits the ball to Hugelgraber, knocking in the goal]
  • Jurgend: Huh?
  • [they all gasp, then putting the number 1 on The Brutes team, then they both cheer]
  • Brian: [off screen] I don't believe it. Bryan! The Stone Age team have caught their opponents napping.
  • Lord Nooth: [chuckling nervously] Beginners' luck, Your Majesty.
  • Oofeefa: Hmph.
  • [Dino blows whistle]
  • Jurgend: [hits Dino] Bad move, caveman. Now you've just made us mad. [kicks the ball over Barry, kicking to the goal]
  • [Hognob puts his hands on his head]
  • Lord Nooth: Yay!
  • Brian: And normal service is restored!
  • Crowd: [chanting] Jurgend! Jurgend! Jurgend! Jurgend!
  • Brian: Let's see the replay, Bryan.
  • Puppeteer: Ooh, ja, kick! [kicks the ball in the goal] Yay! Goal!
  • Brian: You can't argue with the puppets, Bryan.
  • Puppeteer: Kissy-kissy! Hug, hug, hug!
  • Bryan: Aye, the puppets don't lie, Brian.
  • [they both knock, their bodies, then Jurgend kicks the ball, breaking Chief's head]
  • Puppeteer: Oh! Ah, and that's a goal. That's two.
  • [the number 2 puts on the Real Bronzio team]
  • Brian: Real Bronzio are in no mood to compromise.
  • Lord Nooth: Goal!
  • Dug: Never mind. Come on, everyone!
  • Gonad: [stops the ball] Boo!
  • [Treebor yelps, kicking the ball to the man in slow motion, hitting on the head, landing in the goal, putting the number 3 on the Real Bronzio team, showing it's a tie]
  • Brian: [off screen] And surely, that's settled it.
  • [Hognob groans, gasping]
  • Lord Nooth: Yay!
  • [Oofeefa blows a horn at Lord Nooth]
  • Brian: [off screen] Well, it's halftime Bryan, and Real Bronzio are dominating this match.
  • [Dino blows whistle]
  • Lord Nooth: ♪You're going down the mine! You're going down the mine!♪
  • Dug: The only place we're going is back to the valley. Now come on, everyone! Let's show them what we've got!
  • [Gravelle puts her thumb up, then the hourglass turns around, then Jurgend rolls the ball to the man, then Eemak yelps]
  • Goona: Remember your training, Eemak! That's it!
  • [the people kick the ball, then the rocks roll down, then Eemak delights geordie gobbledygook, kicking the ball]
  • Dug: Nice one, Eemak! That's it!
  • Brian: [off screen] Goodness me, it looks like a caveman counterattack.
  • Magma: Come on, then. Let's see your tackle.
  • [Gonad yelps, then Magma winks]
  • Dug: [off screen] Great work, Magma!
  • Barry: Hey, hey! [kicks the ball in the goal]
  • Hugelgraber: What was that?
  • Brian: Oh-ho! Unorthodox, Bryan, but effective.
  • [then number 2 puts on The Brutes team]
  • Brian: [off screen] This is unprecedented!
  • Chief: Yay!
  • Brian: [off screen] I can't remember any side scoring two goals against Real Bronzio.
  • Puppeteer: Oh, you fool. What were you playing at? You silly, stupid...
  • Jurgend: Idiot! Do I have to do everything around here?
  • Dug: Caveman coming through!
  • Lord Nooth: [chuckles nervously] Nibbles, Your Majesty?
  • Oofeefa: Stuff your nibbles!
  • Bryan: [off screen] Well, Real Bronzio, they just don't know what's hit them, they really don't.
  • [they kick the ball to the players]
  • Brian: [off screen] Oh-ho! The Stone Age team is really coming together, Bryan.
  • Bryan: You're not wrong, Brian. It's like early man united. That's another joke there, Brian.
  • Brian: [off screen] Oh, look at this! The Stone Age striker beats one, nutmegs another...
  • [the crowd gasp]
  • Dug: All yours, Goona!
  • Goona: Hmm.
  • Brian: [off screen] She's going all the way!
  • [Gravelle hits the ball to Goona]
  • Brian: [off screen] She shoots!
  • [Hugelgraber tries to get the ball]
  • Brian: [off screen] She scores!
  • [the number 3 puts on The Brutes team, showing its a tie]
  • Lord Nooth: The crowd are going wild! And who can blame them?
  • Goona: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
  • [they both whoop, then they hug]
  • Lord Nooth: Wait a minute! She shouldn't even be on the pitch.
  • Oofeefa: And why not?
  • Lord Nooth: Because she's a... A great player! You lot! Get your act together! Unless you want to be suspended for the rest of the season. Play on! [walks away]
  • [Oofeefa looks at the chest]
  • Lord Nooth: Psst. Dino! Dino!
  • [Dino walks to Lord Nooth]
  • Lord Nooth: [to Dino] Have you got your rule book handy?
  • Dino: Of course.
  • Lord Nooth: [grabs the book] Good. Because I"m throwing it at you.
  • Dino: Eh?
  • [Lord Nooth slaps the book on Dino]
  • Dug: Come on, everyone. One last goal will take us home.
  • Lord Nooth: [blows whistle] Dino is having a lie-down. I am the new ref.
  • Dug: Well, that's not fair!
  • Lord Nooth: Oh, isn't it? Let's ask the new ref. Ref, is it fair? Oh, yes, it's totally fair. Okay. Play on! It's injury time. Understand?
  • [they all chuckle, then Lord Nooth blows whistle, then they kick the ball, then Gonad knocks Barry]
  • Brian: [off screen] Oh, that's not cricket, Bryan. Whatever cricket is.
  • Lord Nooth: Nothing to see there. Play on.
  • [the man hits Thongo, then the crowd gasp]
  • Dug: No!
  • Lord Nooth: I didn't see anything. No foul! Play on!
  • [Magma trips on Lord Nooth]
  • Lord Nooth: No, no. Get up. Play on.
  • [the crowd boo]
  • Brian: [off screen] Oh, that's way below the belt.
  • [the man runs to the goal, kicking the ball to Chief, flying in the pole]
  • Dug: Chief!
  • Bryan: [off screen] Oh, caveman down, Brian!
  • Jurgend: [runs down, then Dug kicks the ball, then Jurgend trips on Dug, gasping] Oh, my leg! Oh, my leg! Hurts so bad!
  • Lord Nooth: [blows whistle] Penalty!
  • Brian: [off screen] Jurgend should get a prize for acting.
  • Dug: Chief? Chief?
  • Chief: Ha! I soon have it fixed.
  • Dug: Oh, great. Um... Huh?
  • Man: [tapes around the pole] Ha. There. Good job.
  • Goona: Come on, that was never a penalty!
  • Lord Nooth: [scoffs] Fine. Check the replay.
  • Puppeteer: Oh, kick, ahh! Referee! Oh, my leg! My leg! [screaming] Oh, no, the crocodile! Snack, snack, snack.
  • Lord Nooth: [off screen] Oh, terrible foul! Beating him with sausages! Shame on you. Definite penalty. [blows whistle]
  • Brian: [off screen] A draw is just not good enough for the primitive part-timers, Bryan. And now this. A Real Bronzio penalty in the dying moments of the match.
  • Bryan: [off screen] Aye, and the goalie looks in a bad way too.
  • [Dug gulps]
  • Chief: [weakly] Dug.
  • Dug: Chief?
  • Chief: I spent my whole life hunting rabbits. I held you back. I'm sorry. I'm so... [groans, laying down]
  • Dug: Chief? [sniffles] Chief! [hugs Chief, sobbing, hearing a fart] Huh?
  • [Chief snores, then Dug sighs]
  • Goona: Dug, I don't mean to worry you, but what are we going to do for a goalie?
  • [Hognob clears throat, then the crowd cheer, then Hognob chuckles]
  • Dug: Hognob?
  • [Hognob nods]
  • Dug: Okay!
  • [the hourglass timer continues finishing]
  • Brian: My word. Is that a pig they just put in goal?
  • [Hognob runs to the goal]
  • Brian: Have to say that's rather rash. [chuckling] Rasher. Do you get it? Bacon.
  • Bryan: Mmm.
  • Jurgend: I've never missed a penalty. Not against a pig anyway. [laughing]
  • Brian: [off screen] And it looks like it's all over for this plucky band of knuckle-grazers, Bryan.
  • Bryan: A great effort, but, in the end, it wasn't quite enough.
  • [Dug hands to Goona, gulping]
  • Lord Nooth: Say goodbye to your valley, caveman.
  • Dug: Come on, Hognob. You can do it.
  • [Hognob puts his hands up, then Jurgend grins, blowing his whistle, then Jurgend kicks the ball, then bouncing on the hand and the pole]
  • Brian: [off screen] He's got a trotter to it!
  • [they all cheer]
  • Bryan: [off screen] It's still in play, Brian.
  • [the players run to the goal]
  • Chief: Dug, Dug! You were always a mammoth-hunter! Dug! Over here! Go hunt mammoth! [echoing]
  • Dug: Everyone! Give me a hand!
  • Jurgend: My ball!
  • [Dug climbs up, grabbing the ball, then they fall down]
  • Jurgend: Don't crowd me!
  • [Dug kicks the ball, then they fall down, putting on fire, hitting Hugelgraber, breaking the net, then breaking the wall, then they cheer]
  • Brian: [off screen] That is an amazing goal!
  • [Chief grabs Dug, spinning around, then they all hug]
  • Dug: Yay!
  • [Lord Nooth drops the whistle]
  • Brian: [chuckling] Look at that. The giant duck is on the pitch. He thinks it's all over.
  • [the timer finishes, then Dino whistles]
  • Brian: [off screen] It is now!
  • [the number 4 puts on The Brutes team, then they win]
  • Dug: Is this as good as you imagined?
  • Goona: No. It's better! Yeah!
  • Dug: [kisses Hognob] Well done, my hoggy friend!
  • Dino: You cheat! You are a disgrace to football! [rips his shirt off of Lord Nooth]
  • [Magma takes the shirt, then Gonad sniffs, then groaning, then Dug gives Jurgend a hand]
  • Dug: Good game.
  • Jurgend: Ja. Well played, caveman.
  • Oofeefa: So...
  • Dug: Huh?
  • Oofeefa: You've reminded us how the beautiful game should be played. As for Lord Nooth... [noticing that Lord Nooth isn't there] Nooth? Nooth! Where is that...
  • Dug: Rat!
  • Oofeefa: Yes, quite! [gasping]
  • [the rat dumps the gold in the pocket]
  • Oofeefa: Guards! Apprehend that rodent!
  • Lord Nooth: [puts the chest down] So long, suckers! [walks away]
  • Brian: [off screen] My word, Bryan. That schnookel-grabbing scoundrel is making off with the profits!
  • Dug: After you.
  • Bryan: [off screen] Aye, but will he get away?
  • [Goona kicks the ball to Lord Nooth]
  • Bryan: [off screen] Oh, superb shot!
  • Brian: [off screen] And a rebound!
  • [the ball hits Lord Nooth again]
  • Brian: Oh, that got him!
  • Bryan: Aye, Nooth is on the back foot now, Brian.
  • [Lord Nooth falls down]
  • Bryan: Quite literally.
  • [Chief whistles, then duck saves Lord Nooth, screaming]
  • Bryan: [off screen] Look at that. Caught be the old bill.
  • Brian: Oh, Bryan, that's comedy bronze. Well done, my friend.
  • [the duck continues shaking Lord Nooth around, with some coins falling]
  • Lord Nooth: No! My lovely schnookels! [falls down to the ground, then the plate hits on the head, laying down]
  • Woman: Yay! Oh, refund.
  • Oofeefa: That should remind him of the pecking order, eh?
  • Dug: [chuckling] Yeah.
  • Oofeefa: Oh, and caveman, I think this is yours. [takes a trophy to Dug] Symbol of a game sent from heaven.
  • Dug: Thank you, Your... Bronze Chiefness.
  • Oofeefa: And now, I believe it's time you went home, to your valley.
  • Dug: We're going home.
  • [they all cheer, then they pick Dug up]
  • Dug: Oh, hey! [raises his trophy up]
  • [last lines, as we zoom out of a cave painting with the people holding Dug with a trophy, then Dug imitates bird call, clicking his tongue, then he continues imitating bird call, then they hunt down, imitating bird call, then they hunt down, clicking his tongue, then the creature roars, then they all scream, running away, then the screen irises on the rabbit, giggling]
Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.