A Matter of Loaf and Death/Transcript

• [the baker puts dough on wood, grabbing a rolling pin, grabbing the hat]
• Baker: Oh, it's you. Eh? No!
• [the rolling pin hits the baker, putting glasses on the back, then the title card appears, then Gromit looks at a newspaper, hearing an alarm clock, pressing a button, with megaphones spinning around, buzzing, then Gromit fills a water balloon, putting on a windmill, saying, "Wallace & Gromit's TRADITIONAL BAKERY"]
• Wallace: Lovely cheese.
• [Gromit hits the windmill, with the water balloon falling on Wallace]
• Wallace: I could just wash it down with nice...
• [the water balloon falls on Wallace]
• Wallace: I was just coming, lad.
• [Gromit takes the bread out, pulling the lever]
• Wallace: Up away, Gromit! [slides down, putting pants on] With you in a jiffy! [slides down] Tally-ho.
• [Gromit continues riding down, then Wallace continues sliding down]
• Wallace: Oh, no!
• [Gromit moves the slide down]
• Wallace: Thanks, lad!
• [the hand touches Wallace, then Gromit puts bread in, closing the door, saying, "Dough to Door DELIVERY", rising a hat]
• Wallace: Fill 'er up, lad!
• [Gromit presses the tea button, driving out of the garage, drinking tea]
• Wallace: Ah. Lovely cuppa, Gromit! But, a slightly diesel-y aftertaste, perhaps? How's the breakfast going on?
• [Gromit puts toast on the plate]
• Wallace: Well done, lad. [looks at a toast] Very well done! [eats toast] Thanks, chuck! Whoa! Oh, dear.
• [Gromit puts his hat up]
• Wallace: Another baker, battered with his own rolling pin. Would you credit it? Still, looking on the bright side, I suppose it means business for us, eh, Gromit? We're on a roll, lad!
• [Gromit goes inside the shop, then Wallace throws bread at the door at 83, then Gromit throws a bread at the door at 9, throwing bread in the mailbox at 25, throwing bread in the mailbox at 72, throwing bread in the mailbox at 118]
• Wallace: Good day's work, lad. We're bang on... [looks at Piella and Fluffles] ...target. [throws bread at the woman, looking at Piella and Fluffles]
• [Piella rides in the sky, winking, hearing a bike ringing]
• Piella: Coo-ey!
• Wallace: Gromit! Did you see who that was?
• Piella: Help! Help!
• Wallace: She's in trouble!
• [the van stops, then Piella tries to stop the bike, going faster]
• Piella: Ooh, help! Argh!
• [the van drives to Piella, trying to stop the bike, going faster]
• Wallace: Here, Gromit. Take the wheel.
• Piella: Help! Help!
• [Gromit puts the wheel in the van, then Wallace leaps on the bike]
• Wallace: Don't fret, madam! Teacakes, lad. The wholemeal fruit, on me knees!
• [Gromit throws cookies at Wallace, deflating on the bike]
• Wallace: I should have tried the granary rolls.
• [they all go in the zoo]
• Wallace: Oh, 'eck! [looks at a sign, saying, "DO NOT FEED THE CROCODILES"]
• [the bike bumps on the wall, then they fall down, saving Piella, withe Fluffles falling down, then Gromit saves Fluffles, then Gromit climbs up]
• Wallace: Oh. Oh, dear. All you all right, Miss Madam?
• Piella: Oh, I do apologize!
• Wallace: Oh! It's an honor to be of help.
• Piella: I must get those brakes seen to. We're so grateful, aren't we, Fluffles? [kicks Fluffles]
• Wallace: Oh, it was nothing! Oh, what a lovely little doggy!
• Piella: My name's Piella. Piella Bakewell.
• Wallace: Oh, I know who you are, miss! [singing] Light as a feather, you're the Bake-O-Lite girl!
• Piella: Oh! That's me!
• Wallace: I'm Wallace. I'm in bread myself.
• Piella: Oh, really?
• Wallace: Are you still ballooning, Miss...
• Piella: I do beg your pardon?!
• Wallace: Oh, no, no! I mean, the Bake-O-Lite balloon. Do you still fly it?
• Piella: Oh! Oh, I see. No. Not anymore.
• Wallace: Well, back to the grind, as it were. Goodbye, Ms. Bakewell.
• Piella: Oh, I'd rather say "au revoir."
• Wallace: Oh, oui, oui, madame! And bon appetit!
• Piella: Bye!
• Wallace: [puts dough on top] The Bake-O-Lite girl! Fancy that, Gromit! It's not every day you meet the girl of your dreams, is it? [looks at Piella] Oh, well. This isn't going to put bread on the table, is it? [hears a doorbell] Oh. Oh, hello.
• Piella: We were just passing by, going for a walk, and Fluffles insisted of dropping in, hoping you would join us. Please say yes, she'll be disappointed, wouldn't you, Fluffy? [kicks Fluffles] Wouldn't you, Fluffy?
• [Fluffles walks to Wallace]
• Wallace: Oh! Well, if you insist, but I'm in me work things.
• Piella: I like a man in a uniform. Come on! Walkies!
• Wallace: Manage without me, won't you, lad? [closing the door]
• [cut outside, feeding the birds]
• Wallace: Oh, crumbs!
• [cut back inside, cooking bread, opening the oven, hearing a doorbell]
• Piella: Oh, Mr. Wallace, you are cheeky!
• Wallace: Oh, am I?
• [they all row in a boat, switching to hot, then Wallace dances with Piella, then Gromit switches to very hot, putting dough on it, then Gromit sleeps in his bed, putting a pillow on his face, then Gromit wakes up, hearing an alarm clock, turning it off, then Gromit drives in the house, taking his hat off, looking at the trash, closing the door, looking at the clothes, walking on shoes]
• Wallace: Oh, makes a change, doesn't it, my fudge cake? Gromit's gonna love this!
• Piella: Well, I thought you could do a woman's touch around the house, you naughty, slovenly boys!
• Wallace: What do you think, Gromit? You wouldn't know it was our place, would you, lad?
• [Gromit walks in, looking at the poster with dogs, saying, "Let's be friends!", looking at the pillows, vase, grabbing the flowers, putting in the trash, hearing a knock, then he puts the flowers back in the vase, looking at Fluffles]
• Piella: Care for another sausage, you greedy thing?
• Wallace: Don't mind if I do.
• Piella: My, what an appetite!
• [Gromit holds the box to Fluffles, taking it, giggling, taking about a soundtrack]
• Piella: Fluffles! Where are you?
• Wallace: Same time tomorrow, my apple strudel! [closing the door, taking off his apron] Oh, love is a many-splendoured thing, Gromit, but it doesn't half tire out! I'm cream-crackered! Oh, 'eck! [looks at a purse] Piella's purse! I must return it forthwith. [looks at the rain] Oh, erm, Gromit? [closing the door]
• [Gromit walks to the door, shaking it off, opening the door, looking around, hearing the TV, inaudible, walking in, closing the door, then Gromit tries to knock at the door, hearing thunder, walking upstairs, slowly, hearing thunder, looking at wooden people wearing chef hats, looking at 12, then looking at 13, looking at the head, with his chef hat off, then looking at a book, putting the purse down, looking around, opening a book, with Piella and chef with a red X on it, looking in the mirror, flipping another page with Piella and chef with a red X on it, looking in the mirror, flipping another page with Piella and chef with a red X on it, flipping pages, with red Xs on it, looking at Piella and Wallace, transitioning the wood into 13 with the chef hat off, knocking down like dominoes, then Piella opens the door, grabbing the wood with number 6, then Piella walks up the stairs, turning the light on, looking at the wooden people]
• Piella: Funny, I'm sure I heard something.
• [Fluffles sniffs]
• Piella: Oh! There it is. [closes the book] It must have been there all along.
• [Fluffles opens the curtain at the bottom of the table]
• Piella: Early night, Fluffles? Big day tomorrow. Our final baker is nicely buttered up! [chuckling]
• [Gromit looks at Piella and Fluffles]
• Piella: Good night, Fluffles! [turns the light off] Sweet dreams!
• [Fluffles sleeps, hearing Piella sleeping, then Gromit falls to Piella, bouncing on the bed, looking around, grabbing a book, going in the house, closing the door, looking at Wallace]
• Wallace: Oh! Hello, stranger! Where have you been?
• [Gromit shows the scrapbook]
• Wallace: Hey! Wait! Hold your horses! I've got something to tell you first, old pal. Haven't we, dearest?
• Piella: Of course, my little cheesecake! Wallace and I are engaged to be married.
• [zooms in Gromit]
• Piella: Till death to us part!
• [Gromit looks at Fluffles]
• Wallace: I think congratulations might be an order, lad.
• Piella: Oh, I can see he's dying to give me a great big kiss! [grabs Gromit, kissing him, dropping him, wiping his kiss mark off his face, then throwing a book in the fireplace] I know we're going to get like a house on fire. One big happy family!
• [Gromit puts book down, saying, "ELECTRONIC SURVEILLANCE FOR DOGS BY B.A. LERT", opening a book, writing it down, flipping another page, then he builds up, then he plugs in, looking at the window in silhouette of Piella, hearing a doorbell, opening a door]
• Piella: Hello, my vanilla slice!
• Wallace: Ha-ha! Come in, my sponge cake!
• [the lasers buzz at Piella]
• Piella: What's going on?
• Wallace: You'll have to forgive him, my petal. He's been a security conscious late.
• Piella: Well, you can't be too careful these days, can you?
• [Gromit grabs a spoon]
• Piella: What, with a serial killer on the loose!
• [Piella and Wallace walk to the kitchen]
• Piella: Now, how about a nice pot of cock-a-leekie soup?
• Wallace: Ho-ho, smashing! I've got just the bread to go with it. [looks at the knives lost, opening a drawer, at a brush] What the...? That dog!
• [Gromit puts a spoon on the pile, closing the door, locking it]
• Wallace: Smells delicious!
• Piella: Oh, I do hope you like it, my shortcrust. It's my own special recipe.
• [Gromit runs to Wallace]
• Wallace: What the...?! Hey! What are you playing at, lad?! This is getting ridiculous.
• Piella: Oh, Wallace, he just wants a bit of attention, that's all. Now, my little poochie-woochie, let Auntie Piella sort you out. [looks around, biting her arm] Ow! Ow! He bit me!
• Wallace: Eh?!
• Piella: I was just trying to help, and he bit me, Wallace.
• Wallace: Gromit! How dare you bite my betrothed! That's very impolite.
• Piella: Oh, don't be too hard on him, Wallace, please. Just a little punishment, that's all.
• Wallace: [locks the drawer] I'm surprised at you, Gromit, I really am.
• Piella: [off screen] Oh, Wallace, my sugar dumpling, have you got a mo?
• Wallace: Oh! On my way, my cupcake! You'll not leave this kitchen till you've done every last one. I don't know! Taking a bite out of my beloved fiancee! It really is the limit!
• [Gromit continues washing]
• Piella: I'm such a silly sausage. It just sort of fell off my foot.
• Wallace: Stay well back, my precious. Leave it to me.
• Piella: Oh, you're so brave, Wallace, my minced pie.
• [Gromit reaches for the key]
• Piella: Huh?
• [the flour bag hits Piella]
• Wallace: [grabs a shoe] Got it! [looks at Piella, coughing] Are you all right, my flower? Oh, "flower"! Get it? Flour?
• Piella: Get your hands off me! I hate flour, I hate bread, and I hate bakers, you utter and complete fruitcake! [throws a ring at Wallace]
• Wallace: That's a bit steep, isn't it, my sweet?
• Piella: Fluffles, I want a word with you, back 'ome. [closes the door]
• [Wallace looks at a ring, putting a cup on the table, dripping the petals]
• Wallace: Oh, thanks, old pal. I just don't get it.
• [Gromit stirs the cup]
• Wallace: One minute they love bakers and the next minute, I hate them. And I'm not a fruitcake, am I, lad?
• [Gromit stops stirring the tea, patting Wallace]
• Wallace: I suppose you can't be everybody's cup of tea, can you?
• [they both clink their teas, then they hear a doorbell, looking at Piella, holding a present]
• Piella: I'm so sorry, Wallace, so, so, sorry. I don't know what came over me. Apart from the flour, of course! [laughing]
• Wallace: Oh. Ha-ha! Yes.
• Piella: Let's forget about it. Let's have a cake to celebrate.
• [Wallace hears an alarm]
• Piella: Oops! Must be my keys! [throws a purse to Gromit]
• Wallace: Celebrate?
• Piella: Us, getting back together again, you gooseberry fool.
• Wallace: Oh, y... Oh, yes. Yes, of course. Of course. We could have that with our 4:00 tea. Won't you join us?
• Piella: Oh, I would, but Fluffles isn't feeling too well. Why don't you two celebrate? [grabs a purse] Must fly!
• Wallace: Oh, roll on 4:00, eh? This'll go down a treat!
• [Gromit walks away, then cut to a building, opening a window, looking around, looking at the toy monkey, walking to a toy monkey, grabbing a blanket away, revealing the toy monkey, playing cymbals, flipping around, playing cymbals]
• Piella: [grabs Gromit] Got you, you meddling mutt! So nice of you to come. Pity you'll miss your master's tea party. [looks at a windmill] It'll go off with a bang! [looks at a clock]
• Wallace: [opens a present] Oh, I say. Get the kettle on, Gromit.
• Piella: [opens the door, throwing Gromit inside, laughing] I'll deal with you two later. [closing the door, laughing]
• Wallace: Come on, lad! Hah! What's keeping you?
• Piella: At last, my 13th, my baker's dozen!
• [the hot-air balloon flies by the window]
• Piella: [looks at at Gromit and Fluffles flying in a hot-air balloon] What? [looks at a sign with a hot-air balloon, saying, "BAKE-O-LITE STOREROOM", hearing the clock chiming] Curse that balloon! And curse that prevailing south-westerly, they'll be in no time!
• [the clock chimes]
• Wallace: [tries to light the match] Doh! Strike a light!
• [Gromit swings to the windmill]
• Wallace: [lights the match] Ah-hah! [lights the cake]
• [Gromit goes in the house]
• Wallace: Oh, there you are!
• [Gromit lands on a table]
• Wallace: I think these matches are a bit...
• [Gromit spills the vase on Wallace]
• Wallace: ...damp. Oh, yes, it's one of those joke candles, lad!
• [Gromit tries to turn the light off the candle, bringing the cake]
• Wallace: Oi! Where are you going with that... [distorted] ...cake? [knocks Gromit, then the cake takes the bomb out] Gromit! It's the bomb! The cake's a bomb! Wait a minute. You don't think Piella could be...
• Piella: [stops the bomb] The serial killer? Well done, Wallace. Sharp as a brick! Now, do exactly as I say or Fluffles gets snuffled.
• [Fluffles bits Piella's fingers]
• Piella: Ow!
• [Gromit grabs the bomb, then Piella puts Fluffles down]
• Piella: You've crossed me once too often, you treacherous, little... [slaps Fluffles]
• Wallace: Get that thing away, lad!
• [Gromit looks at the ducks in a pond, looking at the women with kittens, and the sign, saying, "SAVE THE KITTENS", looking around, zooming in the sign, saying, "YORKSHIRE BORDER KEEP OUT!"]
• Wallace: That's it, lad, use your loaf!
• [the spatula knocks Gromit, falling in the dough]
• Wallace: Oops!
• [Gromit falls in the dough, then the bomb bounces out of the window]
• Piella: Oh! That has put a spanner in the works. [grabs a wrench]
• Wallace: [walking backward] But, Piella, you're the Bake-O-Lite Girl!
• Piella: Was the Bake-O-Lite girl. I ate too much, you see.
• Wallace: Oh, really? [crawls inside]
• Piella: [grabs the vent] I couldn't ride the balloon anymore.
• Wallace: Oh, dear!
• Piella: So they dropped me.
• Wallace: What a blow... Oh! [hits pipe]
• Piella: [grabs a vent] Me! A curse on bakers and their loathsome confections!
• Wallace: Gromit!
• [the pillow lands on the wrench]
• Piella: Huh?
• [the oven mitt knocks Piella, knocking the cans, looking at Fluffles]
• Wallace: Well done, lad! Uh? Lass?
• Piella: [spins rolling pins around, snorting] Come to Mummy, Fluffy-Wuffy!
• [Fluffles pushes Piella, grabbing the rolling pin, hitting Piella]
• Wallace: Attagirl, go for the knockout!
• [Fluffles knocks Wallace, breaking the wall, then Piella continues attacking]
• Wallace: Don't worry about me lad, I'm fully in control. [screaming, looking at a bomb]
• [Fluffles continues attacking with Piella, then Gromit gets out, then she continues attacking Piella, then Gromit jumps on the ladder, then Wallace falls on the bed]
• Wallace: Yes!
• [the rolling pin his the can, then the oven mitt grabs the hand, flying the rolling pin on the windmill, with a bomb falling by Wallace]
• Wallace: No!
• [they continue attacking, pushing the lever]
• Wallace: [slides down] Oh, dear!
• [Gromit climbs up, then Fluffles pushes Piella]
• Wallace: Oh. Oh. Ha. Ha. Anyone seen the bomb? What? What? [looks at the bomb on his back]
• Piella: Bomb voyage, Wallace! [jumps down]
• [Wallace looks at a bomb]
• Piella: Your buns are as good as toasted!
• Wallace: [runs around with the bomb in his pants] Gromit, I've got a bomb in me pants! Help me, Gromit! Do something!
• [Gromit grabs a leg, and a hose, putting in the pants, then Fluffles goes down to dough pressure, inflating Wallace's pants]
• Wallace: It tickles!
• [the pants continue inflating, then they plug their ears, then the bomb explodes the building, then they look at the back of his pants, with a splat]
• Wallace: Oh, what a relief! Oh, evening, sisters.
• [the women drop the kittens]
• Piella: I will be back to get you, Wallace! I will have my baker's dozen!
• Wallace: But, Piella, the balloon won't hold you.
• Piella: They can't just light me. I'm light as a feather! I'm the Bake-O-Lite girl!
• Wallace: No!
• [the balloon flies down in the crocodile hole, eating Piella, then Fluffles hugs Gromit, burping, with a balloon flying up]
• Wallace: Farewell, my angel cake. You'll always be my Bake-O-Lite girl.
• [Piella waves to Wallace]
• Wallace: Ha! I think I need a cup of tea after all that. Care to join me, you two?
• [Gromit looks at Fluffles, releasing his hand, closing the gate, looking at Fluffles, closing the door]
• Wallace: Aw! Never mind, lad. We've both been through the mill this week, haven't we? But at least yours wasn't a bread-hating, baker-murdering serial killer, eh? Like mine! Tell you what, lad, let's go and deliver some bread, eh? That'll cheer us up!
• [the door closes, then starting the van, screaming, looking at Fluffles, putting a tear drop in her eye, opening a door]
• Wallace: Hey, hey! Aw! Always room for a small one!
• [Fluffles opens the door, selecting Puppy Love, putting it in a record player, blowing chef hats, driving down]
• Wallace: Whoa! Both paws on the wheel, lad! Concentrate!